LiLo and NiRi

Because these two cunts only deserve a total of 1 day and 82 minutes in jail.

USA Today has, on this glorious Friday morning, attempted to kill me by running these two stories simultaneously in its online front page. The first is an account of Lindsay Lohan's deal to only spend 1 day in jail after her DUI and coke possession. The second is the story of Nicole Richie only spending 82 minutes in a correctional facility for her DUI conviction.

I really like reading stories about shit like this. I remember watching 4 cops beat the shit out of a man who was doing pretty much the same thing as these 2 dumb bitches. For some reason, though, maybe because they are famous or rich or in the public eye or celebrities, I was deprived the pleasure of seeing a group of men taser Nicole Richie on the side of a California freeway. Why? Where is the footage of Lindsay being cracked in the head with batons? Is there no justice in the world? Also, I find the Deputy DA's claim that Lindsay Lohan got "what everyone else would get" total bullshit. I am pretty sure that if I went to California and went on a drunken, cocaine-fueled joy ride that culminated in my arrest I'm pretty sure I wouldn't only get 1 day in jail and 10 days community service.

Fuck these whores and fuck all the people who made them famous. I also realize that I am helping to keep them famous by talking about them so don't bother pointing it out. As Michael Corleone says, "We're both part of the same hypocrisy." Man that movie kicks ass.

Things that are Good

I just had a baby. Seriously, I had to do everything. I want to impart some cool things to you.

Hospital food is deep fried and fucking delicious.

Birth and Labor aren't hard. Take drugs and enjoy the fact that a living being is coming out of your body.

I appreciate the Welfare State. Felicia and I went to the hospital had food, drug, room and baby and it cost us nothing. The only downside is that if the nurses know that you don't have money to pay for the delivery, those cunts act like you have a meth lab in the trunk of your car.

Go to the liquor store and buy the cheapest vodka you can find. Go home and add cheap vodka to a load of berries, fruit, or something. Wait 5 days and drink. It is great.

My personal recipe for the above is:

Raspberry infused vodka
Soda water
Fresh mint
Ice

Muddle mint in a highball glass, add ice, vodka and soda water. Swirl and enjoy.

Kylie Minogue and Wine Swilling

So, here we are again. You know the feeling you get when you drink one bottle of wine and then make that rosy tinted decision to drink the other one you have next to you? Well, add that and an assist from Pandora and you get semi-drunken blogging.

Today at the liquor store I spent the gift card I got for my birthday. I have 6 bottles of Papio in my cart and I go to pay. In front of me is the apex of trailer-park evolution. Cut off sleeve T-shirt, shorts, backwards hat, shitty tattoos, flip flops and what else but stupid wannabe-tough-guy-lispy voice. Dip shit tries to pay with a gift card with not enough money for a pack of cigarettes and comes up short. He disputes the amount of the gift card with the teller. She proves him wrong and he decides he doesn't need the cigs. So he opts for chew. Grizzly. Clearly we have a Masterpiece Theater, wine aficionado, high class Motherfucker here.

I really thought when I was out of the clutches of the Mason-Dixon I would be away from all these pieces of shit, but NO! It seems like every time I go to get some fucking fruit I have to encounter Cletus and his non-shirt -wearing ilk. In the past two days I have seen 3 assholes in the supermarket without shirts. Sometimes I think I should move into my dead-parent's-ghost-infested house just so I can enjoy the Southern cooking whilst I look at assholes who can't be bothered to wear shirts to the Goddamn Wal-Mart.

My mother-in-law bought some ribs for my 2nd birthday and paid way too much for them. That is the only reason I bring up the last part. The ribs were good, but they weren't that good for that much money.

That, I surmise, is the message of this post. The frigid North is populated by all manner of shit heads who, willingly, call themselves the Slednecks. I really hate this kind of Dumbed Down culture that people aspire to. Purists will note that the last sentence ended with a preposition. Hey, I'm a little wasted, give me some lee way.

Post Birthday Ruminations

So, here I am as Pink Floyd says, "shorter of breath and one day closer to death." There are things in the news that probably warrant attention: the stock market is whining, people who couldn't afford homes to begin with are being foreclosed upon, the country is still waist deep in a factional war in the middle east and being run by some sort of escaped circus chimp. Today, however, I don't particularly give a shit because if there is any event that makes me think even more about impending doom it is my birthday.

It was classic. At my birthday party this past weekend a large group of "the family" came over and we sat around and opened presents and had cake and trotted out all the old cliches. It was okay and I am grateful but I thought it was funny how I ended up at the kitchen table away from everyone else with a quickly dwindling bottle of whiskey and what I'm told was a seriously hateful scowl. The dialog in my head went something like:

"Dude, you are getting pissed. This whiskey is not taking you cool."
"Did you just hear that? Oh my fucking god, I can't believe I just heard that."
"You've got two options: Kill this whiskey and hope you get too far, too fast or ease up and probably make a scene. Dammit."
"I really can't believe I just heard that shit. Un-Fucking-Believable."
"Fuck it, the baby probably isn't coming tonight. Drink up."
"I wonder if anyone has noticed that I'm over here not saying a word with this expression on my face."
"Maybe you should go smoke out. Nah, that's probably not a good idea."

Once again, I was in that place where I just wanted to scream like some modern day St. John about all the shit that was coming down on everyone very soon and that they needed to focus on shit that really mattered. Example, "Who the fuck cares about all the drivel you guys are talking about? We're all going to die! You've all missed the fucking point! Ahahahahahha." I think I would emphasize the point by vomiting all over the table.

On the other hand, I sometimes feel pretty happy that the things I see and listen to and experience will never be perceived the same way by anyone else. It's the only way I think that people are truly unique. I like knowing that when I see a certain landscape the things that it evokes in me will not ever be really known to anyone else. I think that has to do with my semi-anti-social mindset. It makes me think that if anyone else got the same exact meaning that I got out of things it would somehow cheapen it.

Well, enough of this shit. My parting shot of rage is directed today at hipsters. Man, I hate those fucking kids.

Fucking Homos.

Preggo Update

Gross.

Felicia is currently 36 weeks. For those of you who don't have kids don't believe everything you see on television. So far we have had no insane cravings, emotional meltdowns, existential crises and most importantly, no retarded decisions to have the baby at home in a tub of water with no drugs and some gnarled old voodoo priestess in the corner reading chicken entrails.

That, I assume, is the message of this post. The Discovery Health Channel is totally full of shit. I don't know where they dig up these women who insist upon "natural" childbirth or water births or any of that shit. Look, we all know that women are physiologically capable of birthing children without all the modern conveniences, the real question is why the hell would anyone want to do it that way? To prove you are tough? To show everyone how cool you are? Get off the ego-trip you ass-hats. These are the same women who want to go to work and raise children while foisting the responsibility of child care onto disinterested third parties. They want a career and the special bond of motherhood but then wonder why their children end up so fucked up 15 years down the road, when they are being booked for prostitution because they had to score money for the next high.

I don't go to the dentist and tell him, "Hey, for this visit I don't want to have any drugs until I ask for them." Then 45 minutes into the procedure breakdown and sobbingly ask for novocaine and feel like a failure because I couldn't take it.

Do you see how stupid that little vignette is? I feel the stinging burn of stupidity every time I see things like "Baby Story" or whatever that stupid fuck show is. If you really want to show everyone how cool/tough/womanly you are try this: You are in labor, but you don't go to the hospital you go to the gym. Grunt out a grueling leg workout and while you are screaming against the failure of your fifth set of squats someone punches you in the face while the child is crowning. Then you can be cool.

Where I Stay

Not here.

Here. Not actually in the garage but above it.

Here is the view from the top of the steps.

See how cool my landscaping skills are. You can tell the class by the Tiki torches.

Some views of the woods behind our loft.

Some times I like to go to the lake and sing songs to the lake about the lake.

It's just a few bad apples.

Pioneer Peak

Newt Gingrich, Cum Dumpster

Dumpster of Cum.

Not only is he named after an amphibian, he is also a receptacle for semen. This article in USA Today reports that former Congressman Gingrich believes the 2008 Democratic Presidential ticket will include Hillary Clinton for Pres and Barack Obama for Vice Pres. Nice one, Newt, it's only what anyone with half a firing neuron was thinking since this whole race started, you fucking choad. Let's posit on how two popular candidates might team up to win the Presidency. Wow! Who couldn't see this one coming?!?

It gets better when he says that the Republican Party has three "formidable" opponents to such an unholy Hillary-Barack union. He gives Mitt Romney, Rudy Guiliani, and Fred Thompson. First off, Romney doesn't stand a chance because of his stance, or lack of a sufficiently right wing one, on abortion and gun control. Let's nevermind the fact that he's a Mormon and all of conservative America, aside the Mormons, know that all Mormons take their instructions from telepathic messages from Joseph Smith, the same way Kennedy obeyed the Pope. Second, Fred Thompson, while a U. S. Senator, gets more recognition than most because he played the District Attorney on Law and Order. Once again, nevermind the reality that he hasn't even declared his bid for the Presidency yet. Finally, we come to Rudy. Hugely popular after the September 11th attacks, he is the only serious candidate for the Republican nomination because he is the only one left standing after you weed out the undesirables. Let's just hope that his less than glamorous past preclude him from a serious run, a history I could link for you but am far too lazy/ drunk to do so. Formidable indeed.

The worst part of the article comes at the end when John Edwards, former North Carolina Senator and totally likable guy, has a nod about his fight with insurers and pharmaceutical companies. Here is a man who realizes what is wrong with the country and is confronting the issues that really matter i.e. healthcare, and is basically treated as a no-chance-of-winning oddball. All of this because he actually wants to do positive things like help out the poor, one of whom I happen to be, and provide health coverage for low wage earners at the expense of people who make more than $200,000 a year. An income which, by the way is ten times what I as the breadwinner of a family of three made last year, was given a tax break by G. W.

The sad thing in this country is that men like John Edwards and Ralph Nader, who address issues that are central to most of the 300 million people in America, will never be elected to office.

Who Sucks

This site is completely awesome. I just found it today while tooling around on the adult swim website. A brief summary, if you couldn't tell by the name, is that it is a blog with various posts about people who suck and why they suck. As stated before this is completely awesome. I can't stress that enough. A few of my favorite posts are "11 Reasons Why Paris Hilton Sucks (Literally)", as if you needed someone to outline this for you, "L. Ron Hubbard Sucks", a collection of quotes from the erstwhile cult leader, and "Bushisms Suck", because who doesn't like to see the decider bumble-fuck through speeches and press conferences.

Just because I like pictures and I like Aqua Teens here you go:

Forgotten Title 1

This guy has more scruples than the Republican legislators in Alaska.

Let me just give you a run down of all the shit that has been happening. The full story is here.

Don Young, one of the pork hungriest representatives ever, is now under investigation in the widening FBI probe of Alaska lawmakers. For those of you who are not up to speed on this let me give the briefest of summaries. The CEO of an Anchorage-based energy company, a Mr. Allen, has already plead guilty to bribing Alaska state lawmakers for their vote on a key piece of legislation. Mr. Allen is now cooperating with investigators and the shit has really begun to hit the fan. Mr. Young is under investigation because of his ties to Mr. Allen and a yearly "Pig Roast" campaign fund-raiser held for Mr. Young for a decade. Now this maybe on the level but Mr. Young has seen fit to spend a quarter million this year alone to retain the legal council of a D.C. law-firm. Maybe he knows something we don't. My all-time favorite statement from Mr. Young was his prediction, given a week before the last Congressional elections, that the Republican Party would lose no seats in either house. Well, we see how that turned out.

Vic Kohring, state representative from my area, has resigned from office due to his involvement in the bribery probe. Mr. Kohring maintains his innocence even though Mr. Allen, the aforementioned CEO, has already plead guilty to bribing Mr. Kohring. Funny, I thought you couldn't be convicted for crimes that you confess to but for which there is no evidential proof. Favorite statement from Mr. Kohring: that he is "Alaskan to the core" while his wife and child live in Oregon. Check out this guy's blogspot. Notice how there are no posts since the recent unpleasantness.

Senator Ted Stevens, one of the most powerful in Washington, is also under investigation since his 2000 remodel of his resort home. Apparently, the contractor responsible for the work was directed to send his bills to Veco Corp. The contractor said that the office at Veco would examine them for accuracy before forwarding them to Mr. Stevens. It's awfully nice when a huge company offers to be your personal secretary out of the goodness of their heart. Mr. Stevens was to have said that all the upgrades done to his house were paid for by him and his wife. Maybe, but then why is he urging Alaskans not to believe everything they read in the paper, at least not until they hear it from him first.

Senator Lisa Murkowski, appointee and daughter of now semi-disgraced former Governor Frank Murkowski, is not under investigation but is fending off criticism that a land deal she made was a little too shady. Murkowski apparently paid about $100000 less than market value for a parcel of land.

So, there you have it. Maybe they won't be forced to resign or go to jail, except for Kohring it's my personal opinion that that asshole is going down, and then I can really feel good that maybe there is some justice in the world. Then again I feel pretty good that they all sold their souls to get to where they are today so, at least, Karma will catch up with them in the end.

June 22

That's right, it's Pi Approximation Day. Aside from that I have been busying myself with The Onion's A.V. Club, which is a great site for anyone who has utter contempt for pop-culture. The interviews and entertainment reviews are pretty good but my favorites are The A.V. Club blog, The Hater and The Tolerability Index. Spoiler Alert: If you like reality T.V. or are a fan of the new Transformers movie or Avril Lavigne, the wonderful writers at The A.V. Club will hate on these things with extreme prejudice. I love it because not only do the critics review the movies, songs and shows but there is a comment section in which users can hate on the drivel that is constantly being produced by Hollywood. I feel great when I read things like that because I don't feel so alone in my hatred. One of my absolute favorites is when a user who used to work at Blockbuster relates one of his favorite overheard customer comments, "IT must be good, look how many copies they got." Classic.

Creationist Bullshit

Finally, there is some evidence that a religious nut is a religious nut is a religious nut, if I may borrow a construction from Gertrude Stein.

A Turkish author Mr. Adnan Oktar, writing under the pseudonym Harun Yahya, has cooked up some pseudo-science with an Ottoman flavor. Mr. Oktar has also done academics around the world a favor and sent them a copy of his work. In it Mr. Oktar argues against Darwin's theory of evolution and decries it as a "theory in crisis" for the simple reason that the Koran doesn't independently verify Darwin's findings.

The crux of Mr. Oktar's argument is that, by his observation, the fossil record of the past resembles so closely the animals and plants living today that evolution doesn't hold up to observed phenomena. Apparently, Mr. Oktar never reached the part in the fossil record that contained these guys.

The best part of the article is a toss-up between the NY Times reporter's deadpan, "In fact, there is no credible scientific challenge to the theory of evolution as an explanation for the complexity and diversity of life on earth." and the evolutionary biologist's comment that the book is, "a load of crap."

So, if we take what we learn from the article make a few assumptions and apply some syllogism we get:

If Christian dogma = Creationism and Islamic dogma = Creationism then
Christian dogma = Islamic dogma

Ha Ha! Try this out on your fundamentalist friends, but only if you have lots of patience and nothing better to do. It has to be almost as good as trying to convince a Muslim, a Christian and a Jew that they essentially all worship the same god.

Wooden Ships on the Horizon

They've come to kill us and take our women and our precious metals!

When they weren't swilling mead, terrorizing Christians, settling North America and inventing a brutal mythology the Vikings spent lots of time in these. Now, some tools have decided it would be a good idea to try and recreate a voyage in a replica of a Viking Long Ship. A crew of 65 men and women are attempting to cross the North Sea in a 30 meter open-decked ship just like Norsemen of old. The account of the crossing should be pretty good reporting, seeing as how already some crew members had to be taken off because they were showing signs of hypothermia. Let's see if and when they reach land they don't head to the nearest monastery, rob the coffers and murder the priests. Catholics, beware!

Fucking Cell Phones

Today was the second time I went to the movies in the past year. It's packed and we're all watching and it's going okay until the climax of the movie and you guessed it. Motherfucker and his goddamn cell. It's not just a regular ring either it's a fucking annoying ring tone. On top of that the shithead lets the phone ring and can't even be bothered to silence the motherfucker.

Let's get this straight. We're watching a matinee showing of Harry fucking Potter in Eagle River, Alaska. I'm pretty sure there were no Fortune 500 CEOs in the audience who desperately needed to be reached by their CFOs because the IRS was coming in and they needed to know what has to be shredded. Not to mention that even God isn't so busy that he can't turn his goddamn iPhone off for 2 fucking hours for a fucking matinee.

These fuckheads are the same kind of people who can't leave their laptop at home when they go on vacation and then end up with heart disease by 50 because they can't disconnect for even a little bit. You know what I say? I say fuck them because it's evolution at work.

Turn it off, Ratfucker.

Awe-Inspiring

As if just knowing where you live in your own galaxy isn't enough, scientists have found more.

You are here.

Scientists from CalTech have discovered the oldest galaxies ever. Using the Keck 2 telescope in Hawaii and with a little assist from gravitational lensing astronomers have found galaxies that predate the oldest observed galaxies by several hundred million years. They estimate the galaxies' age at just 500 million years past the Big Bang and compare the galaxies' masses at approximately 10 million solar masses compared to the 10 billion solar masses our own galaxy contains.

As a layperson, with no job or pressing responsibilities, I like to spend time thinking about these kind of things. The sheer magnitude of the numbers represented in the story are fun to think about, if you have most of the day to do it. I like to put it in perspective with respect to my own life. For example, Fairbanks is approximately 250 miles from where I live. I compare that to the distance of the Earth to the Sun, 93 million miles. Then I think about how that doesn't even compare to distances like the space to the next star. Extrapolate all that to galactic and inter-galactic spaces. It gets to be a little much and I didn't even get into the time and masses involved, just the distances. However, it is a fun way to spend the afternoon.

Something Terrible

Specialist Michelle Ring, 26, formerly of Chugiak AK, was killed by indirect fire on July 5 while taking a break from a patrol in Baghdad. She leaves behind two sons, Marc and Brandon, ages 7 and 5, respectively.

This is the kind of shit that makes me, a misanthropic, hate-mongering bastard, weep. Just remember that a son of a bitch who ran on a "Compassionate Conservative" agenda in 2000 and whose favorite political philosopher is Jesus is the cause of this woman's death and these two kids' lifelong misery.

Well, I'm sure she knew what she was getting into, what with joining the Army in a time of war and all that. It was her choice after all and I'm sure she had other options. Yeah, she sure did. Do you want to know why she did? To get a better life for her kids because miraculously the job at the chicken evisceration factory for a GED holder just wasn't bringing home the jack. Shit like this is too tragic to make up. Read all about it here.

Sometimes, I wonder what the historical Jesus would do if he were miraculously transported to the future to see how things turned out. My personal guess is a toss-up between committing suicide immediately or becoming severely dependent on something illicit.

The Truth

I know that I linked The Economist magazine to my blog but, truth be told, I had never actually visited the website. It usually sufficed for me to pick up and peruse the magazine whenever we went to the bookstore, which is pretty often. Well, I remedied that and while I was at the site I found this. This article is a great piece of work. It dispels all the stupid shit you hear about recycling from, "it is actually more damaging to the environment than using a landfill" to "it is economically unfeasible to require companies to recycle" both of which are bullshit lies propagated by pro-business conservatives.

I, for one, am tired of hearing Business in America scream about how, "You can't require us produce a product that is environmentally less destructive. It would destroy our profits and make us less competitive." Bullshit again, I say. It seems funny to me that countries who have much more stringent environmental regulations than the U.S. still manage to be one of the world's best economies.

The real truth is that you should recycle, there is only one planet and that in order to survive you must protect that planet. So, get out there and recycle!

Katie Couric, Twat

That's right. Katie Couric has verified her twat status with this story in USA Today. Apparently, she didn't know that the CBS evening news would be broadcast in a "traditional" format. She also regrets taking the job and admits that she would have given "more thought" to taking the job had she known the show would attempt to provide "hard news" to it's viewers.

Imagine that. A news service that doesn't want to be perceived as a giant flaccid penis and that wants stories with depth in a move to give people some kind of perspective of the world in which they live while at the same time adhering to a journalistic ethic. That's just fucking crazy, Katie. I guess all those hard-hitting years at the Today Show didn't prepare her as much as she thought they had.

Twat.

Finished

I'm finished posting links for now. As you can see I have loosely organized them by category. Very loosely. Check out the My Space link for all your stalking of me needs. From there make sure you stop at my brother's blog at Punch and Jude. We'll probably be hitting a lot of the same ideas and generally enraging things that pop up in the media. It's funny to think that I couldn't stand him when we were growing up but now I find his views on things pretty close to my own. Don't forget to catch the post with his unaltered photo of Don "Cockmaster" Rumsfeld being compromised by a fireman. Check the archives because I am too lazy to find it for you.

Things I Like

Beer

Bourbon

Gin

Whisky

Riesling

As I stated in my profile, I like strong drink. Above are just a few of the substances I abuse to help me cope with my life. That last part is kind of a joke but as with all jokes there's a little bit of truth in there. It's my personal theory that intelligent people everywhere must drink in order to put up with the rest of the shit-heads who over-populate the earth. Can you imagine how hellish it would be living in a Red State without something to calm your nerves? Imagine living in the South with no prospects of getting ripped. Hellish indeed.

I am Saying this because I can

Fuck the President. Fuck him for saying things like this. The last time I checked the function of the Congress was to place some kind of "check" on the President's power. It's funny how they do that by not passing legislation that they don't agree with just because the President wants them to pass it. Funny again how they "balance" out the executive branch. It's almost as if someone wrote a document that allows the Congress to do just what it is doing. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure the guys who wrote said document knew what the fuck they were doing. In fact, I'm fairly certain that they knew more than some ass-hat C student. Again, fuck the President.