A Summer's Trip (Part 2)

18 Aug

Fel is 34.

I am in Francis' house for the 1st time in 4 years.

We toured Vicksburg today. So many dead. Such wonders. Also viewed a Natchez trace Indian mound. Then on to Francis. Drank beers. 1/2 bottle wine. Reminisced. I don't know @ what.

I DON'T KNOW @ ANYTHING...

Maybe I'm an all around bad person.

19 Aug

Fresh new super thin pen. Crisp. Maybe I've turned a corner. Woke up this morning @ 5 AM...

Then we went to Mass where an Indian priest celebrated & on the way out a nice man shook my hand & said he was glad I brought my "family" in to Mass. Bizarre. Outside a solitary mourning dove was alit on the powerline near where I parked. The dove seemed to watch us as we left & I took this to be an auspicious omen for the day's prospects. We came back to coffee & biscuits & all sorts of awkward convos while sitting on things...Francis asked me if we'd get married eventually. I told him no.

On Francis' porch, it's raining steadily; earlier there was thunder. I have no idea what I'm doing here... 

21 Aug

2:19 AM @ a rest stop in GA after A decided we should drive straight through instead of camping because a: we got a late start & b: was lightning & raining as fuck outside B-ham.

This morning saw us in Baton Rouge while now it's the East side of Atlanta. Bizarre world. Took A & the boys to see Grandpa & fuck he's so old. He had 3 pictures of on his tray next to his tab chair: Tabitha, the Sacred Heart, & Pope Francis. He can't hear & must be shouted @ & can't remember doing things that he's just done & though he said he knew me, I have my doubts. Showed off A & the boys, had coffee, left.

So tired but so much happened today. This morning I felt the baby kick. The afternoon we stood on Biloxi beach. Later still Mom's grave under a thunderous sky & spits of rain. The abandoned trailer park too. The old house. So many things.

Tired. Punchy. Need sleep.

21 Aug (cont.)

Woke after 3 ish hours of bad driver seat sleep to head out again. Was so tired by 730 had to pull over & sleep in a DD parking lot before loading up on coffee again. Saw the day birth as I crossed the GA/SC border. Then it was grinding up the interstates looking @ nothing & feeling nothing but that road fatigue & a foreboding @ what lay @ the end of the road.

Now I'm here & A is here. I told her I'm just compressing all this shit down to where I don't have to feel or think anything. Upon arrival the boys immediately reverted to shit-head mode of the magnitude not seen during their time w/ me...

In Fel's house. So clean...Things are different now: new sofa, table, TV, game systems, sideboard, organizational furniture. Some things remain: pictures, books, little residue of my time here. How did I ever think that could maintain? Foolishness...

Christ have mercy on us all.

@ the diner now. Who knows how I'm even operating. Ate @ the Icehouse Waterfront place in Swansboro after a drive in a torrent. Had a beer while the children each spilled their waters w/in 15 seconds of the other. Then I ate fish tacos & now it's Jack in the diner for some reason. Talked to Fel & told her @ the boys plunging maturity since being back. She says, "that'll happen"...

Act of Contrition...

22 Aug

...I had been texting Nick & Dan. Dan finds himself in a cigar bar in Florida somewhere and drinking Macallan Whiskey & Presidente beers & having extremely girthy cigars & feeling shitty about his dog's cancer. Nick is god knows where but was (apparently) being moved by a passage of text that highlighted pimples & bad breath during sex...

Went to confession & Mass. The boys enjoyed it. Beach. Shark teeth...

I am so gone.

23 Aug

...Went to Wilmington where A cried on Water St. in front of a passing fuel tanker whose point of origin was somewhere in Panama. Brown guys on the decks aft were taking videos & pictures w/ their phones...She felt better after & we went to the Aquarium @ Fort Foster & saw all manner of life: an eagle, alligators, fish, jellies. Magnificent really.

Ate @ a brewery: pulled pork w/ slaw & potato salad. On the drive home we listened to sad music & had 100% truth time Q & A. As the sun set & the sky dimmed I told the boys, "well, we had a hell of a summer didn't we?" I wanted to say more but my throat choked up so I didn't.

Tomorrow is school. Tomorrow is real life. Tomorrow I fade into the background again. 

24 Aug

Holy fuck. Aboard MCB Camp Lejeune again. BIZARRO UNIVERSE. Difficult to believe I ever had any sort of association w/ this place. A is here & we are people watching everyone. A table of Lts eats Panda Express. A turns to me & says "I can't believe you ever did this" I say I can't either & it's weird to me that we'd had the same thought @ the same time. We're like an island of civilian nastiness amongst all these hard chargers. Unbelievable, all of it... Fel is coming by later so we can discuss the future. What the fuck is going on in my life...

Tonight I taught K how to make box mac & cheese. I couldn't go through w/ it. I broke down & had to go outside & fucking weep. I came back & had dinner w/ Aaron & Fel & they talked @ what they were thankful for that day & what they'd done this summer. They (the boys) mentioned none of the things they did w/ me...

25 Aug

...Spending the last night in Raleigh currently @ a tapas place called Humble Pie where I'm drinking beer from Kinston & eating smashed avocados & peas on toast. Left the boys after a school lunch period w/ them wherein A smuggled in Subway for them to eat. While we waited for them to file, convict style & silent, to the cafeteria I was engaged by a boy, Gavin's friend, who said he was named after one of the buffoons from "Duck Dynasty". And Fel thinks there's nothing wrong w/ the area where they live. Duck Dynasty. Good Christ it's hard not to judge these motherfuckers...

Now it's olives & fried oysters & white wine & living the Jim Harrison lifestyle to the fucking hilt. Fucking Hemingway's ghost up in this...

LIVING. FUCK YEAH.

Life is an excruciating beauty...

Almost wept again in the cafeteria w/ the boys as I left...I told Kiernan "I'll talk to you soon" but I didn't hug or kiss either of them for fear of embarrassment on their part. I'll not see them again until Christmas.

You drink. You mourn. You indulge. You never forget.