Evolutionary Fitness

This is a pirate spaceship made completely out of fruit, in case you had no fucking imagination.

A little badminton before the party.

He makes a pretty convincing pirate.

He does too.

This one is my favorite. It is taken of Gavin as he is on the treasure hunt.

Shhhh. I'm pretending it's treasure.

Holy Fuck! It's candy!

He loved wearing the eye patch.

This one is really good too.

This past weekend was Gavin's fourth birthday party. He specifically requested a space pirate themed party, so we set about giving him one. We made swords out of cardboard and duct tape, hats out of newspaper, Felicia made some eye patches, a treasure box filled with candy, treasure maps, the fruit spaceship, and I even made a Space Jolly Roger out of an old pillowcase. Seriously, we are the best fucking parents ever.

Sometimes, it is shocking to think that I have a four year old.

Delayed Drinkification

I should have put this in the last post.

True to form, my goddamn kids can't let me have shit. Tonight, as posted previously, I planned on getting home from work and drinking a huge whiskey-soda, you know, to calm the nerves and all that. Well, Kiernan decides he needs to go to the goddamn doctor's office because he's all sickly and coughing and hoarse. So that was my after work celebration, a fucking doctor visit. It reminds me of the time my old man yelled at us, "I can't even take a shit in peace!"

Don't worry though, I'm totally going to fuck up their adolescences with my crude sexual references and social ineptitude and then their adult lives with my old age and dementia. Take that, you damn kids.

This Is Some Bullshit Right Here

Total Fucking Bullshit.

So, you know how I posted that it was autumn last week? Well, God decided to shit all over that one. In short, it snowed today. It fucking snowed on 05 October. What the fuck kind of place do I live in? Oh yeah, one that sucks.

I know we all hate the places in which we live, it's human nature, but this is some Grade-A bullshit. I mean, I don't even have the goddamn studded tires on yet.

Also, Gavin probably has cancer, or something. We took him to the doctor today after a night of 103 plus temperatures and vomiting and the doc said, "Ehh, I don't know." He doesn't have the flu, strep, ear infections, all the usual culprits, he just has raging fevers that are remedied by motrin and no appetite. I'm going to call the bullshit card on this one too.

Seriously, never have children. You know how everyone is all freaking out about the economy and shit? Well, have some goddamn kids, and then have them get sick and you can't do shit about it, and you have no fucking money, and they might die. That's some real motherfucking worry, right there. You realize that all the other shit you were thinking about doesn't matter and that you would kill every other being on the planet if it would make your kid feel better. I'm serious.

On the positive side, I made burritos, which totally owned.

Father's Day

This was not taken on Father's Day, but it still shows off my long-ass hair.

This was also not taken on Father's Day, but it shows that I love my kids.

Okay, I have to be truthful, kids are hell. If you like huge amounts of stress over long periods of time with little foreseeable reward, then have kids. They push every goddamn boundary and limit you can imagine. The benefit of this is that your genetic material gets passed along and propagated, so I guess it all equals out in the end.

Goddamn kids.