Lifestyle Changes?

When the only option is suicide, how is it that we get shows like "My 600 Pound Life"? Fuck it, here's a picture.

It's an alligator, motherfuckers. All 200 million years of him.

I recently had to go to the doctor to talk to him about possible problems with my poop making machinery. He ordered some tests that should put to rest any burgeoning fears of my immediate (5 years and less) demise. 

Then, I made the colossal mistake of viewing the Wikipedia page related to colorectal cancer. Now, I am a raft of hopelessness in a sea of uncaring and brutal organismic life.

Fuck it, bros, bring on the vino.