LiLo and NiRi

Because these two cunts only deserve a total of 1 day and 82 minutes in jail.

USA Today has, on this glorious Friday morning, attempted to kill me by running these two stories simultaneously in its online front page. The first is an account of Lindsay Lohan's deal to only spend 1 day in jail after her DUI and coke possession. The second is the story of Nicole Richie only spending 82 minutes in a correctional facility for her DUI conviction.

I really like reading stories about shit like this. I remember watching 4 cops beat the shit out of a man who was doing pretty much the same thing as these 2 dumb bitches. For some reason, though, maybe because they are famous or rich or in the public eye or celebrities, I was deprived the pleasure of seeing a group of men taser Nicole Richie on the side of a California freeway. Why? Where is the footage of Lindsay being cracked in the head with batons? Is there no justice in the world? Also, I find the Deputy DA's claim that Lindsay Lohan got "what everyone else would get" total bullshit. I am pretty sure that if I went to California and went on a drunken, cocaine-fueled joy ride that culminated in my arrest I'm pretty sure I wouldn't only get 1 day in jail and 10 days community service.

Fuck these whores and fuck all the people who made them famous. I also realize that I am helping to keep them famous by talking about them so don't bother pointing it out. As Michael Corleone says, "We're both part of the same hypocrisy." Man that movie kicks ass.

Things that are Good

I just had a baby. Seriously, I had to do everything. I want to impart some cool things to you.

Hospital food is deep fried and fucking delicious.

Birth and Labor aren't hard. Take drugs and enjoy the fact that a living being is coming out of your body.

I appreciate the Welfare State. Felicia and I went to the hospital had food, drug, room and baby and it cost us nothing. The only downside is that if the nurses know that you don't have money to pay for the delivery, those cunts act like you have a meth lab in the trunk of your car.

Go to the liquor store and buy the cheapest vodka you can find. Go home and add cheap vodka to a load of berries, fruit, or something. Wait 5 days and drink. It is great.

My personal recipe for the above is:

Raspberry infused vodka
Soda water
Fresh mint
Ice

Muddle mint in a highball glass, add ice, vodka and soda water. Swirl and enjoy.

Kylie Minogue and Wine Swilling

So, here we are again. You know the feeling you get when you drink one bottle of wine and then make that rosy tinted decision to drink the other one you have next to you? Well, add that and an assist from Pandora and you get semi-drunken blogging.

Today at the liquor store I spent the gift card I got for my birthday. I have 6 bottles of Papio in my cart and I go to pay. In front of me is the apex of trailer-park evolution. Cut off sleeve T-shirt, shorts, backwards hat, shitty tattoos, flip flops and what else but stupid wannabe-tough-guy-lispy voice. Dip shit tries to pay with a gift card with not enough money for a pack of cigarettes and comes up short. He disputes the amount of the gift card with the teller. She proves him wrong and he decides he doesn't need the cigs. So he opts for chew. Grizzly. Clearly we have a Masterpiece Theater, wine aficionado, high class Motherfucker here.

I really thought when I was out of the clutches of the Mason-Dixon I would be away from all these pieces of shit, but NO! It seems like every time I go to get some fucking fruit I have to encounter Cletus and his non-shirt -wearing ilk. In the past two days I have seen 3 assholes in the supermarket without shirts. Sometimes I think I should move into my dead-parent's-ghost-infested house just so I can enjoy the Southern cooking whilst I look at assholes who can't be bothered to wear shirts to the Goddamn Wal-Mart.

My mother-in-law bought some ribs for my 2nd birthday and paid way too much for them. That is the only reason I bring up the last part. The ribs were good, but they weren't that good for that much money.

That, I surmise, is the message of this post. The frigid North is populated by all manner of shit heads who, willingly, call themselves the Slednecks. I really hate this kind of Dumbed Down culture that people aspire to. Purists will note that the last sentence ended with a preposition. Hey, I'm a little wasted, give me some lee way.

Post Birthday Ruminations

So, here I am as Pink Floyd says, "shorter of breath and one day closer to death." There are things in the news that probably warrant attention: the stock market is whining, people who couldn't afford homes to begin with are being foreclosed upon, the country is still waist deep in a factional war in the middle east and being run by some sort of escaped circus chimp. Today, however, I don't particularly give a shit because if there is any event that makes me think even more about impending doom it is my birthday.

It was classic. At my birthday party this past weekend a large group of "the family" came over and we sat around and opened presents and had cake and trotted out all the old cliches. It was okay and I am grateful but I thought it was funny how I ended up at the kitchen table away from everyone else with a quickly dwindling bottle of whiskey and what I'm told was a seriously hateful scowl. The dialog in my head went something like:

"Dude, you are getting pissed. This whiskey is not taking you cool."
"Did you just hear that? Oh my fucking god, I can't believe I just heard that."
"You've got two options: Kill this whiskey and hope you get too far, too fast or ease up and probably make a scene. Dammit."
"I really can't believe I just heard that shit. Un-Fucking-Believable."
"Fuck it, the baby probably isn't coming tonight. Drink up."
"I wonder if anyone has noticed that I'm over here not saying a word with this expression on my face."
"Maybe you should go smoke out. Nah, that's probably not a good idea."

Once again, I was in that place where I just wanted to scream like some modern day St. John about all the shit that was coming down on everyone very soon and that they needed to focus on shit that really mattered. Example, "Who the fuck cares about all the drivel you guys are talking about? We're all going to die! You've all missed the fucking point! Ahahahahahha." I think I would emphasize the point by vomiting all over the table.

On the other hand, I sometimes feel pretty happy that the things I see and listen to and experience will never be perceived the same way by anyone else. It's the only way I think that people are truly unique. I like knowing that when I see a certain landscape the things that it evokes in me will not ever be really known to anyone else. I think that has to do with my semi-anti-social mindset. It makes me think that if anyone else got the same exact meaning that I got out of things it would somehow cheapen it.

Well, enough of this shit. My parting shot of rage is directed today at hipsters. Man, I hate those fucking kids.

Fucking Homos.

Preggo Update

Gross.

Felicia is currently 36 weeks. For those of you who don't have kids don't believe everything you see on television. So far we have had no insane cravings, emotional meltdowns, existential crises and most importantly, no retarded decisions to have the baby at home in a tub of water with no drugs and some gnarled old voodoo priestess in the corner reading chicken entrails.

That, I assume, is the message of this post. The Discovery Health Channel is totally full of shit. I don't know where they dig up these women who insist upon "natural" childbirth or water births or any of that shit. Look, we all know that women are physiologically capable of birthing children without all the modern conveniences, the real question is why the hell would anyone want to do it that way? To prove you are tough? To show everyone how cool you are? Get off the ego-trip you ass-hats. These are the same women who want to go to work and raise children while foisting the responsibility of child care onto disinterested third parties. They want a career and the special bond of motherhood but then wonder why their children end up so fucked up 15 years down the road, when they are being booked for prostitution because they had to score money for the next high.

I don't go to the dentist and tell him, "Hey, for this visit I don't want to have any drugs until I ask for them." Then 45 minutes into the procedure breakdown and sobbingly ask for novocaine and feel like a failure because I couldn't take it.

Do you see how stupid that little vignette is? I feel the stinging burn of stupidity every time I see things like "Baby Story" or whatever that stupid fuck show is. If you really want to show everyone how cool/tough/womanly you are try this: You are in labor, but you don't go to the hospital you go to the gym. Grunt out a grueling leg workout and while you are screaming against the failure of your fifth set of squats someone punches you in the face while the child is crowning. Then you can be cool.