Where I Stay: Autumn

Random, pretty foliage shots from Wasilla.

Mandatory autumn empty road picture.

The in-laws' house. And yeah, that's my Subaru. I rule.

Work.

The childrens.

I think autumn is my favorite season. It's all brisk and brief and pretty and shit. You know what I'm talking about. It certainly makes me thankful that I don't have to chop wood and shoot animals and exterminate the indigenous human population in order to get by. I mean, what the fuck do I have to worry about? Exams? Income? I'll take my current set of problems over the shit people used to have to do to survive any day.

So, I know it's not Thanksgiving and all that but it certainly feels like it already, so go give thanks, or some shit. Later.

Wait, What Week Is It?

The Library.

Good news, everyone! We've reached the point in the semester when people realize they suck and start dropping classes or just not attending! Suck it, you bitches! Go back to your dead end jobs and rationalize that you're just "not ready to go to school" yet. You suck! Losers! I can't stand the nerds, but at least those motherfuckers have the balls to stick out an education. Now, what does that say about you assholes?

I'm sure the reason that people decided to go away is due to most of the classes having had their first exam. This time of the semester always gets me pumped. I don't know if they do this everywhere, but here the professors post your grades online and you get to see how you did with respect to the class mean. I like seeing how I did. I like crushing the class average. I like knowing that I destroyed the test and that other people failed. I actually enjoy the weeding out process. I like thinning the herd and removing weakness. I think I have problems.

Anyway, getting at what I'm getting at is something that I think of often but of which I rarely speak: the Marine Corps. What a terrible force, a soul-crushing endeavor that I endured, that I actually asked for that altered me on a fundamental level during my formative young-adulthood/ adolescence. I remember the recruiter saying that the Marines don't brainwash anyone. Bull-motherfucking-shit. They take people made passive by our society's standard of living and strip all that shit away and get to the core aggression that defines the human animal, the shit we all know but don't say, the ability to take an object and brutally wreak havoc on another human being's body because someone told you to or simply because everyone else is doing it.

I won't say that the Marine Corps made me hate weakness. That aspect of personality is in everyone. I will say that they brought it up to a conscious level, honed it, sharpened it, showed it to me, made me love it. I think often about how they did it. They are very efficient, I'll give them that. Anyway, I think it's funny that this part of me is nurtured by seeing the herd of college students being actively culled by the predators of exams and grades. It makes me feel good about myself. If I actually take time to think about this, it makes me a little afraid of myself and the type of person I really am. Sometimes, I find it very hard to keep it all under control.

At any rate, I do keep a lid on all that shit. Part of that is the crazy drinking/exercise regimen I self-inflict. Check out this work out program:

Monday: Biceps and triceps, grab heavy weight, curl arms, extend arms. Repeat until exhaustion.

Wednesday: Chest, grab heavy weight, press. Follow chest presses with at least 100 push-ups. After 100, continue push-ups and repeat until exhaustion.

Friday: Back, find a bar, pull body weight up. Repeat at least 100 times. After 100, continue pull ups and repeat until exhaustion.

Tips: Rest 1 minute between sets. Include at least 125 sit ups on each workout day.

Now check out this drinking program:

Friday: Drink bourbon. Repeat until stupor.

Saturday: Drink bourbon. Repeat until stupor.

Sunday: Drink beer. Repeat for at least six beers, but don't go apeshit. You have to get up and punish your body on Monday.



You all know who rocks? Yael Naim, that's who. Seriously, check her out. Peace, bitches!

Where I Stay: Anchorage

Hey, check out these jam cookies. I rule.

Ahh, sweet ass, old, army barracks converted into low rent apartments.

The view of downtown is pretty bitchin' though. You just kind of have to keep out of your head that you are right above the train yard, and that any chemical mishap or explosion would probably kill you in your sleep.

Dining Room.

Living Room.

Plant window and bookshelves.

Here is a totally unscripted picture of Gavin reading his "magazine" about firefighters he got from his pre-school.

Now check out a similar picture of me as a child doing the same thing.

I think the last two pictures totally rule. It's pretty amazing that there still exists an ancient picture of me reading the paper, and even more amazing that I caught Gavin in almost exactly the same position. It's kind of freaky how similar the two images are.

Anyway, I'm going to get out of here before I get too sentimental or some such shit. I shall return soon with the expected levels of vitriol.

Suck It!

NEEEERRRRDDDDSSSS!!!!!

The only way that anyone should ever attempt to deal with mathematics: partially liquored up and reams of paper handy.

Another copy of my notes from class/the textbook.

Brushing up on some basic integrals in the back of my masterful textbook, Calculus: Early Transcendentals, Sixth Edition by James Stewart.

Yeah, I arranged my empties in a crude representation of a sine wave and then stood on a chair to take a picture. What of it?

Yeah, I can't stand nerds and find myself in the unlucky position of being one. I ameliorate my nerdness by drinking heavily and having sex regularly (ewwww) but it's still there. Look, I like things like this. I like mathematics. I like knowing what a bunch of meaningless (to the general public) symbols represent. It makes me feel good, like I'm better than everyone else, like I'm in the "know".

As far as understanding the whole thing, I like to keep it in perspective. If a celibate dude living in 17 century England can just "invent" calculus, then I feel fairly certain that a dude with two kids and a substance abuse problem can figure out what is going on, whilst under the influences of a hangover and kids screaming in his ear.

Word.

Week 2

Attention other people who populate the campus! Stop sucking so hard. As many of you have noticed, you are all douches of the highest order. I have seen you around, being terrible, and stupid, and ignorant. You are shit heads and you need to get over yourselves.

Let me break down some shit for all of you on campus, especially the ones who happen to be in my classes:

1. No one cares what you think. Even if the professor asks, no one really cares about your opinion. Keep these stupid, stupid things to yourself. If and only if you must speak because the classroom situation requires you to open your mouth; pause, think back and remember (if you did the assigned reading) what the text said; pause some more, think about what you derived from the text (again, only if you bothered to open your ridiculously expensive book); pause once again, formulate a coherent thought and then state your understanding of the matter that was covered in the text.

*Note: If a no answer was given to any if situation above, shut the goddamn fuck up.

2. When you are out, keep in mind that 10 minutes before class starts, you are not the only one going somewhere, and that some of us, have places to be and don't like being late. I know, lots of you are out there, fucking around, talking to some bitches, getting in my way. Please, remember that your pathetic existence is not going to get any better by going to college, so please, stay home and stay the fuck out of my way.

3. Males aged 18 to 22: you suck. Look, I know. I was one very recently and I know that I sucked. You too, also suck. I hate you and wish you the absolute worst. And no, your stupid attire, or sunglasses, or hats, or skateboards, or your loud talking about some guy who, "smoked like, two ounces", or your stupid ass dread locks, or what ever it is that you cling to for an identity don't make you cool.

4. Also, males in general: get your fat fucking asses to the goddamn gym. Do a fucking push-up, ride a bike, don't get the super-caloric, milk shake type drink from Starbucks every class break, try not to eat fast food all the goddamn time, something. Stop being so goddamn weak and maybe all the hot, young women around campus might actually want to fuck you. I don't know, it's a start anyway. Also, try a shower, or shaving, or some shit. When a skinny motherfucker like me with my long-ass hair is the most fit, clean-cut guy in the room there is a problem with the rest of the men there.

5. Women: stop wearing pajama pants to school. You are not cool. Probably no one even likes you. You are not a free-spirit or what the fuck ever. You suck. Go put on some real fucking pants.

6. All of you motherfuckers need to wear shoes and socks, at all times.

7. Just stop being douches so much, okay.

Week 1

This past week was the first week of the fall semester around here. Let me sum up the big shit for you.

1. Kiernan already has a pink-eye type ailment.

2. Gavin likes school. He goes with me to the daycare/preschool on campus. He thinks it's pretty great.

3. Felicia got sick, naturally.

4. The dog is alive and gimping around the new apartment.

5. Oh yeah, didn't I tell you that we moved to Anchorage to be extremely poor? We did.

6. Calculus is already really fucking hard, packed with nerds, and jammed into a tiny room.

7. Did I mention that I can't stand nerds? This statement may seem ridiculous coming from someone as nerdy as myself, but if you saw the kinds of nerds I was talking about then you would understand the urge to kick their asses that I feel when I am surrounded by these losers. God, they suck, their computers suck, their fucking online games suck, their terrible hygiene/style/facial hair/unkemptedness sucks. In short, I fucking hate them. Especially when they spout off some stupid shit about voting against pro-social measures because those measures might, "hurt industry".

8. We went to the state fair and got drunk and walked around, then got more drunk, watched the Gin Blossoms play, then got unbelievably drunk. Basically what I learned was: Fair+Booze>Fair-Booze. Rearranging that equation you get: Fair+2Booze>Fair, which I think was proved on Sunday night.

9. I usually don't link to other blogs but my brother wrote a really good piece over at First Draft. Just go check it out.

10. Yeah, it's all over the news but it bears repeating. The AK governor was chosen for McCain's VP. I don't repeat this as a point of pride. I am actually really pissed because it basically destroys Obama's chances at winning the state because all the fucking "Independents" (read: Conservatives) who live in AK are going to vote for the "local girl". Hell, she must be good, right? I mean we're from roughly the same geographic location!

I am mostly bitter because she cut legistator approved, state funds for an in state, recycling facility that would have brought job opportunities to her home fucking city during a time that the state was/is receiving record income from oil revenues. So, if in the future you hear some shit about her being pro-business or creating jobs, you can call the bullshit police on that one. Also, her husband is a member of the United Steelworkers Union which is total bullshit because organized labor and collective bargaining are two concepts that aren't really traditional laissez-faire, free-market capitalism, GOP principles.

11. Fuck all this.