Even-keeled, Hopefully

Yeah, I felt a little like this guy.

You know that scene where HAL 9000 is talking to Dave and pleading with him not to undo his higher logic, or whatever, circuits and Dave is doing it anyway, and HAL just degenerates into this kind of simpering sideshow who is a shadow of his former self? That's what the fuck I am talking about.

Yesterday was not good. Let me set up some back story for you all. I have to take a pill because I no longer have a thyroid gland. This is usually no big deal unless I forget to take it for an extended period of time, or the dosage of the pill is a little off, in which case I kind of turn into this crazy hormone deprived freak. Deprivation of said pill usually manifests itself as lethargy/apathy. The fuck-side of that is after admitting the proper dose (this is for myself personally, I don't claim to be a physician) the lethargy/apathy gives way to suicidal ideation/rage, quickly followed by a return to normal emotional states. Usually, I'm back semi-on-top-of-things within a few days. Now let's talk bout what I'm talkin' bout.

This past weekend we went to Fairbanks and I forgot to take my pill for 4 or so days. So I crashed. Then on Tuesday of this week, I realized I hadn't taken it for a while so I started to. The first day, I was all lethargy, the second lethargy/apathy, the third day was the worst.

I called Felicia on Thursday because I was at the end of my rope. The kids were pissing me off, I was too violent, I felt my methods were becoming "unsound". I had told Gavin at the store earlier that (because I felt like blowing my head off) this is "why we don't keep guns around the house." In short it was fucking scary, not only to the kids, but to me. I really thought that this was it, I was losing it (whatever "it" might be), and that the uncontrollable swings from rage to despair would finally get the best of me. It was like being pushed over the edge of a cliff with an infinite drop, barely able to cling on, and only doing so because the alternative was the event horizon and I could just sense that whatever was in there was much worse than anything that I had already experienced.

I'll let you in on a little secret: Friday afternoon is the best day to go to the store. All the hot bitches are out. Word.