If We Were All Lyrical Genii We'd All Be Dead By Now

I watched Richard Rodriguez give two talks today. 

I want to kill living beings because of it. 

The injustice of my existence begs annihilation. 

Goddammit, Team Sleep! You're shit isn't helping!

Story starts.

Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer Is Cheap and Works the Same as Any Other

I changed the layout a little and hope you all like it. I thought it was easier to read and all that. Prolly change it soon. Here's a comic! The arc starts here and continues through the blogzorz.

Also, have I said that my wife is dope? She is. Totally.

Lunchtime

Pretty sure Christ would approve of this.

I'll just leave this here. Man, the South rules if you're white and christian.

Bored

So, I have this assignment I have to do. It's the last one of the semester and it's about existential psychology.

I'm drinking beers and fucking around on the internet.

Fucking Airlines

This is why I don't fly. You can tell me all that shit about how flying is so much safer than blah blah blah but the fact is the acceleration due to gravity on Earth is 9.8 m/s^2 and there's not really shit you can do about it when the pilots are facebooking and shit when they're supposed to be paying the fuck attention. Also, fuck the goddamn airlines.

Alaska is Unequivocally Post-Race

Equality of opportunity.

Served up hot and fresh, these online newspaper comments clearly show that sexual and racial prejudice are a thing of the past.

Ecstatic Ecstatic

This is what happens when your city passes an anti-gay discrimination ordinance. They have turned my dog gay. He even squats to pee now. Don't let this happen to you. Get out there and put those homos in their place.

Please, think of the Corgis.

Yard Sale

Who wouldn't want to buy all my old shit?

The Panacea

Pictures for Sad Children speaks the fucking truth.

So, you know what? I fucking hate the media. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate the goddamn newspapers, the fucking television, the fucking radio, all that shit. It is all an exercise in mass-buttfucking-hysteria propagated by old fat rich white guys for the benefit of white suburban housewives and fucking teenagers. Fuck it. FUCK IT.

I actually kind of like hearing reports of newspapers going broke and closing or whatever, because you know what, its fucking capitalism at work. Did you want to sell newspapers? Try not reporting stupid pandering dog shit to people your marketing team thought would buy your fucking daily. Try reporting some fucking news that isn't stupid, conjecture, and just out right falsehoods. Give some fucking perspective. Stop sucking your own dick long enough to realize that you're not important and probably no one cares and that you were fucking irrelevant all along.

Seriously, does anyone remember the goddamn stupid shark attack stories? SARS? Avian Flu? I do. It's fucking representative of the fuckingly stupid shrillness of journalism that is too afraid and arrogant to admit that they are a pussy hair away from being US Weekly, or some shit. Fucking assholes. It's the goddamn same now with the fucking H1N1 virus. You have a bunch of fucking headlines that sound like the previous four posts and then magically this.

Oh and I realize it's hypocritical to link to an online newspaper in a post about how newspapers can suck a dick. Who the fuck cares? This is the internet.

Stupid Shit, Stupid Shit

Fucking Idiot.

Go read this article in the Anchorage Daily News. Not only is it funny to watch my local newspaper mock some gun freak, it is also terrifying to know that anyone can just buy a gun and carry it, concealed, to, you know, Fred Meyer, or the movies. Who knows when you would need a gun while you're filling up your car, or to your kids' playground, or hell, even to the library. I know that I feel the untold horror of being unprotected when I am sitting in my classes. The kind of horror that is only alleviated by having a gun and feeling like a real, huge cock having, alpha male, who is totally virile, and fucks all the hot bitches.

What a fucking loser.

On the positive side, I stopped coughing up blood this morning, so that's a good thing.

State of Emergency

What the fuck?

Gavin took this one while I was out walking the dog. Hilarious.

Yeah, it's been said, but I'll reiterate. Bobby Jindal, the Kenneth the Page looking motherfucker, can suck a fat dick. I will say that people looking to reduce a government's budget by arbitrarily cutting government run programs i.e., volcano monitoring, are stupid because the service that the government provides usually benefits a lot of people, would not otherwise be done by "private industry", and can always be seen as a justifiable use of tax payer money. This is especially obvious for natural disaster programs, but should be evident for all social welfare programs (I'm looking at you universal health care). I for one can't believe that Jindal didn't read through the dumb ass shit he was supposed to say beforehand and say, "You know, this is fucking stupid. I'm not saying this." Which leads me to believe he did read through it and say, "Yeah, that bit about the volcanoes. That shit is political gold, I tell ya!"

Anyway, fuck them, and by them I mean the GOP.

I can't really believe the semester is going to be over in about a month. It's totally fucked up because the Fall semester wouldn't fucking end and this one seems to be over before we even really get started. The fucked up thing is that I think I have done more work already this semester than I did all of last semester. Oh well, fuck that too.

I have to go think about some shit. Later.

No Real Title

The fool hath said in his heart.

Something about honoring something or another.

About the meek inheriting something.

My mother and father taught me a lot of things. I love them, even though they are dead. The above is a few of the bible verses that always stuck with me when they yelled at me.

You may think that you are through with the past but the past is not through with us.

More Like Sunday

This guy learned a few things about not giving a fuck.

So yeah, the semester is over. I hate my wife and want her to go away, but only because she is saying things that I don't want to hear.

Dude, I am so drunk right now. There is a movie on and it pisses me off.

We had game night and it was pretty cool.

I was thinking about the Chbosky novel I reviewed below and I decided that I was too nice to that motherfucker. This fucking guy, he writes in the style of a wannabe angst filled teen who is so pissed at his suburban family and their petty bourgeois concerns, but one who loves his family and views them as the base for his actions.

Attention Mr. Chbosky: Shut the fuck up with your stupid ass preaching. You understand nothing and convey even less with your writings. You have no real idea of the hatred that adolescent boys feel and the fact that you write shit for MTV makes you a fucking loser.

I hate "coming of age novels". They all suck. No one but teens care about teens. The rest of us feel shame about that terrible time in our lives and don't care to relive it with horribly rendered prose about masturbation and high school.

The people who say that high school was the best time of their life are the most vacant pieces of shit you could ever hope to meet.

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

Tell Your Friends Peace

Check out this comic from Toothpaste for Dinner.

So, I went out last night. It was terrible. Smoking in bars is still allowed in the stupid Mat-Su Valley, home of a bunch of stupid motherfucking rednecks. Yesterday, I saw a mud-coated truck that had the words "No bama" and "Vote McCain or die" spray painted on the tailgate and door. Of course, the truck was piloted by some mouth-breathing, fuck-tard, white kid who definitely had no idea about how government even works, much less an informed opinion about theories of governance. What a fucking douche. And to think we live in a society that actually permits this idiot a voice in how business is conducted. Un-fucking-believable.

Anyway, I went out and was promptly reminded of why I like drinking alone, in my house, the fuck away from a bunch of leathered-up Harley riders, bitches singing karaoke, and motherfuckers dressing like they just got off the cattle drive. Felicia and I were talking about how there is a vast, untapped research potential for observing human mating behavior that exists in bars all across the country. I mean, I could perpetually produce articles detailing how stupidly people behave if I could just have some audio/video feed from local bars.

Yeah, I did the whole bar, drink, talk with strangers (about sports of all things), went somewhere else, met up with some peeps, hugged a bunch of people, and yes, danced. I fucking danced, for fuck's sake. Here I am parading around like I'm some kind of adult, but stick me in the right situation and I'll be goddammed if I don't end up doing some stupid shit like dancing. Fuck, I was wasted.

Yeah, Yeah

My life isn't solely existential crises and binge drinking. Sometimes, I make cobbler.

So, yeah, I've been a little more than fucked up lately. What of it? It's a very fucked up and hazy line I stumble along: mindfulness interspersed with wanton alcohol abuse, rage sitting side by side with bliss, and rampant misanthropy coupled with an unending hope for the future of humanity. What can I say? The world is a very fucked up place and while I am not an original person at least I am complicated.

There's a lot of shit on the docket so be prepared. First things first, I suppose.

Today I was at the post office with both children in tow. I'm holding Tiny and Bug has decided to fuck up his shoes so that he has to walk at half the speed he usually does. So I get inside and stoop down and begin to fix Bug's shoes with my free hand. A lady comes over to where I am, bends forward at the waist and asks in a tone reserved solely for the cognitively impaired, "Do you need some help? It looks like you have your hands full."

I think, "What the goddamn holy fuck?" But I manage to say, "No I've got it. Thanks."

Not only is it enraging to be condescended to by some random lady who is giving off the air that just because I am a man, by myself, with two children who is doing the same shit you see women doing all the time, it's baffling that she thinks she can help. What the fuck is this random stranger thinking she is going to do for me? Hold my infant? Velcro my pre-schooler's shoes? Go check my goddamn mail for me? Go pick up my fucking groceries while I am swamped at the post office?

Asshole.

Also, Felicia and I qualify for WIC, so today I go to pick up the checks for all our sweet government provided cereal, milk, and cheese. I have to sign some forms that say if I get WIC checks from any other office I am a fraud and will be prosecuted. The lady at the counter says that I have to sign three forms. It turned out that I had to sign four forms and so the lady says to me, "Oh, you poor man."

Yeah, pity me because I'm not only poor, I'm male. Hey, you know what would make me feel better? Suck my dick behind the Child Care Assistance/ WIC office, bitch.

You know the worst part is it's okay to say/do these insanely offensive things to men with children but if I were to ask some woman with four kids if she needed some help shopping at the fucking Wal-Mart I'd be, at worst, pepper sprayed, or at best, looked at like I had a goddamn dick growing out of my forehead.

Fuck all that noise. The cobbler I made was fucking delicious, and Kraft now has a Mac-n-Cheese that is 50% whole grains so there is like five times the amount of dietary fiber of regular Mac, which is good if you have kids and worry about trivial shit like, you know, their digestive and nutritional health.

Hey, Gavin at the Matanuska River, getting ready to chuck some rocks into the water. Whoo!

Stupid Shit

No, you are reading that correctly. I like these little keyhole views of the sea of stupidity that is the Mat-Su Valley. This one instance was so retarded I had to turn around to get a picture of it because if I just told you that some fucking idiot owned a barber shop and painted a sign with huge foot tall letters to hang outside his shop but instead of painting "barber", the fuckhead painted "baber" and then put the fucker up. I mean, come on, you'd think I was fucking with you. Alas, I am not. Better yet, I'm not even sure as to why it's still up. It's been there a week and either no one has told the guy, or someone has told the guy and he hasn't fixed it yet. Get with it, this sign is the only way I know about this place and the owners really think I'm going to go in and let these barely literate assholes wield sharp objects near my face and neck? Not a fucking chance, and especially not for $12.

This next entry is great as well. This truck has been parked where I have to see it every time I drive from Wasilla out to where I live. Since I was already taking pictures of stupid things I decided to swing by and get a picture. Now, stupidly large trucks are not foreign to me, but I really thought that it was the kind of thing that you would really only find in the south. In fact, the reason I first noticed this truck is because of the striking resemblance to one third of the vehicle of an inbred, two-foot tall, talking squid-man who lives in the north Georgia mountains. Check this shit out.

Why, Lord?

Why in the fuck were there no pictures posted with the last post? Why, goddammit, why?

Yeah he's dead but man, was this motherfucker an asshole or what?

Just so you know, fags, God hates you. At least that's according to the assholes who made this sign.

Look it's what chicken nuggets are made of! Yum, like a motherfucker!

Take an ounce of this and don't call me in the morning. I'm serious, don't fucking call me, asshole.

Preggo Update

Gross.

Felicia is currently 36 weeks. For those of you who don't have kids don't believe everything you see on television. So far we have had no insane cravings, emotional meltdowns, existential crises and most importantly, no retarded decisions to have the baby at home in a tub of water with no drugs and some gnarled old voodoo priestess in the corner reading chicken entrails.

That, I assume, is the message of this post. The Discovery Health Channel is totally full of shit. I don't know where they dig up these women who insist upon "natural" childbirth or water births or any of that shit. Look, we all know that women are physiologically capable of birthing children without all the modern conveniences, the real question is why the hell would anyone want to do it that way? To prove you are tough? To show everyone how cool you are? Get off the ego-trip you ass-hats. These are the same women who want to go to work and raise children while foisting the responsibility of child care onto disinterested third parties. They want a career and the special bond of motherhood but then wonder why their children end up so fucked up 15 years down the road, when they are being booked for prostitution because they had to score money for the next high.

I don't go to the dentist and tell him, "Hey, for this visit I don't want to have any drugs until I ask for them." Then 45 minutes into the procedure breakdown and sobbingly ask for novocaine and feel like a failure because I couldn't take it.

Do you see how stupid that little vignette is? I feel the stinging burn of stupidity every time I see things like "Baby Story" or whatever that stupid fuck show is. If you really want to show everyone how cool/tough/womanly you are try this: You are in labor, but you don't go to the hospital you go to the gym. Grunt out a grueling leg workout and while you are screaming against the failure of your fifth set of squats someone punches you in the face while the child is crowning. Then you can be cool.

Creationist Bullshit

Finally, there is some evidence that a religious nut is a religious nut is a religious nut, if I may borrow a construction from Gertrude Stein.

A Turkish author Mr. Adnan Oktar, writing under the pseudonym Harun Yahya, has cooked up some pseudo-science with an Ottoman flavor. Mr. Oktar has also done academics around the world a favor and sent them a copy of his work. In it Mr. Oktar argues against Darwin's theory of evolution and decries it as a "theory in crisis" for the simple reason that the Koran doesn't independently verify Darwin's findings.

The crux of Mr. Oktar's argument is that, by his observation, the fossil record of the past resembles so closely the animals and plants living today that evolution doesn't hold up to observed phenomena. Apparently, Mr. Oktar never reached the part in the fossil record that contained these guys.

The best part of the article is a toss-up between the NY Times reporter's deadpan, "In fact, there is no credible scientific challenge to the theory of evolution as an explanation for the complexity and diversity of life on earth." and the evolutionary biologist's comment that the book is, "a load of crap."

So, if we take what we learn from the article make a few assumptions and apply some syllogism we get:

If Christian dogma = Creationism and Islamic dogma = Creationism then
Christian dogma = Islamic dogma

Ha Ha! Try this out on your fundamentalist friends, but only if you have lots of patience and nothing better to do. It has to be almost as good as trying to convince a Muslim, a Christian and a Jew that they essentially all worship the same god.