Apathy

I don't give a goddamn shit.

You know what is terrifying?

You are going to die one day.

Deal.

Evolutionary Fitness

This is a pirate spaceship made completely out of fruit, in case you had no fucking imagination.

A little badminton before the party.

He makes a pretty convincing pirate.

He does too.

This one is my favorite. It is taken of Gavin as he is on the treasure hunt.

Shhhh. I'm pretending it's treasure.

Holy Fuck! It's candy!

He loved wearing the eye patch.

This one is really good too.

This past weekend was Gavin's fourth birthday party. He specifically requested a space pirate themed party, so we set about giving him one. We made swords out of cardboard and duct tape, hats out of newspaper, Felicia made some eye patches, a treasure box filled with candy, treasure maps, the fruit spaceship, and I even made a Space Jolly Roger out of an old pillowcase. Seriously, we are the best fucking parents ever.

Sometimes, it is shocking to think that I have a four year old.

Post Yard Sale Pitchas

At the end of her yard saling rope.

Already into the beer.

When you have chillens, you'll understand.

Pretty shit.

Is she capable of taking a decent picture?

Because I know I'm not.

Yard Sale

Who wouldn't want to buy all my old shit?

Booze + Magic Marker + Cardboard = ART

So, my mother in law bought Gavin a huge new swingset that came in these three large cardboard boxes, and since we are having a yard sale, I cut up the boxes to make signs. This naturally progressed until I was in a vortex of vodka fueled creativity where I was churning out little pieces of dark poetry and drawings.

Don't mind her, but she is the whole reason this thing started.

You see, she likes to watch a bunch of stupid fucking reality TV shows on Thursday night and I got bored watching them and started making notes on the excess cardboard I had. I really hate this fashion designer show where a bunch of gay dudes try to become the next greatest fashion guy, or some shit.

Also on the fashion thing has a little gay asian dude who is always wearing hats. This sign is for him.

Then we watched a show where super obese people parade themselves for our amusement. So I made this piece. The script says, "fat people should maybe all get in a Zyklon B shower and then have other fat people put them in ovens", kind of like a holocaust for fat people? A fattercaust?

This next one is on the fattercaust box. I don't really feel this way, but I really liked the juxtaposition of realizing that people are sometimes unfortunate enough to become poor, or homeless, or super obese, and then just saying that the solution to these problems is to just eliminate those people.

I don't drink Coors, but I could see this scene play out in many homes in America.

I could also see this happening in some kind of weird mash-up between Tim and Eric and real life.

Disturbing.

I think I may like this one best. I like the serene look the guy has as the bullet rips through his head.

Navel gazing self loathing.

GRIPPPPRRRRR.

Lately, I have been appending the suffix "les" to everything. Foodles, Shittles, Boobles.

Truth.

Bullshit

Summer Fun.

Never buy toys for your kids. They only end up playing with your old shoes.

The previous two pictures are courtesy of Gavin. He's got a pretty good eye for photos, I think.

Fucking shit.

So, I had an eye exam the other day because a: Felicia's been riding my ass about it, and b: I actually started squinting and leaning forward to try to make out the details of a distant object.

What did I find out? That I'm fucking old. Technically, the guy said I didn't need to get the glasses but since my shit is only going to get worse I decided to go ahead and get some. Shit.

Bailed

Oh yeah, yummy as fuck.

I finally took a picture of this sign outside of a restaurant in the valley. I imagine that the bailout menu items are constructed like this:

The management invites the richest patrons into the kitchen. Those patrons proceed to royally fuck the shit out of the kitchen, I mean they go apeshit. They upend tables, smash plates, destroy appliances, I mean totally fuck the place up. Then, they all take a huge shit in a pot, stir it all up, and make sandwiches using the shit as filling. They proceed to serve the sandwiches to the other patrons and charge them out the ass to eat a huge shit sandwich and watch and complain when the ungrateful bastards don't tip.

At least, if that happened it would mimic what really happened with the bailout. It's a metaphor!!

100 Days

Still hasn't paid my bills.

So in the first 100 days President Obama hasn't:

Put my white-ass family in a FEMA concentration camp.

Taken away my non-existent gun.

Required my wife to get an abortion.

Forced my children to join a fascist organization that will denounce me to the Thought Police.

Raised my non-existent taxes to pay for all the welfare babies that other, less deserving families have had.

Changed the name of the country to "The United States of Some fucking hippie European Country".

Still has not personally come to my apartment, and given me the wealth of my more well-off neighbors.



Obama's Report Card, First 100 Days: F

Seriously, if he doesn't get on the ball and make with the socialist utopia that I have been led to believe will happen by stupid fucking media sources, then I will totally not vote for him ever again. EVER.

The Panacea

Pictures for Sad Children speaks the fucking truth.

So, you know what? I fucking hate the media. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate the goddamn newspapers, the fucking television, the fucking radio, all that shit. It is all an exercise in mass-buttfucking-hysteria propagated by old fat rich white guys for the benefit of white suburban housewives and fucking teenagers. Fuck it. FUCK IT.

I actually kind of like hearing reports of newspapers going broke and closing or whatever, because you know what, its fucking capitalism at work. Did you want to sell newspapers? Try not reporting stupid pandering dog shit to people your marketing team thought would buy your fucking daily. Try reporting some fucking news that isn't stupid, conjecture, and just out right falsehoods. Give some fucking perspective. Stop sucking your own dick long enough to realize that you're not important and probably no one cares and that you were fucking irrelevant all along.

Seriously, does anyone remember the goddamn stupid shark attack stories? SARS? Avian Flu? I do. It's fucking representative of the fuckingly stupid shrillness of journalism that is too afraid and arrogant to admit that they are a pussy hair away from being US Weekly, or some shit. Fucking assholes. It's the goddamn same now with the fucking H1N1 virus. You have a bunch of fucking headlines that sound like the previous four posts and then magically this.

Oh and I realize it's hypocritical to link to an online newspaper in a post about how newspapers can suck a dick. Who the fuck cares? This is the internet.