Fuck Yeah

Check this shit out.

So, here is the latest book from Peter Hamilton. I totally expect it to kick ass. You should all go to amazon and buy it because it is only $19 for this huge hardback book. It rules.

Things have been pretty boring around here. I guess it is finally spring because it has been above freezing for a while and it rained instead of snowed last night, so that's pretty cool, to know that winter is finally done. I mean it was so warm today at 36 degrees that I went to work without wearing a jacket at all.

I saw a bunch of those goddamn teabagger idiots the other day. Talk about fucking tools. I mean, words fail.

Fucking moron.

Aside from having no idea what the fuck Obama lied about, I'm pretty sure democracy isn't dead because we just had elections for mayor here. Clearly this protester is a goddamn idiot. I hope she gets cancer and dies. Soon. Also, I hate her.

I'm About to Go Get Lifted

Not like this.

I'm talking about with the help of substances, but you already knew that.

Today was total ownage. Let me break this shit down starting with Friday night.

I decided to drink way too much while I watched "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford" which turned out to be a pretty good movie, eventhough I hated the Robert Ford character, which was to be expected. Anyway, I got bent and I knew I had to wake up early to go to work.

Saturday morning I wake up still feeling bubbly and I shower and all that, and then I have a leisurely morning of coffee and doughnuts with the family after I jump the Subaru. The bitch of it all is that even with all the extraneous shit I get to work early, which has not happened since I started work.

Then work, where I proceed to fucking kill it. I mean, today, there was nothing you could throw at me that I could not destroy, outside of shit I have never seen before. I was killing it all, derivatives, functions, circles, matrices, paraboloids and cones in R3. I tell you, I had the shit by the balls today. There was no question asked that was not answered.

I was thinking that my getting shit housed on Friday night was positively reinforced by my performance today in the Math Lab, so expect more shit housing and tutoring, because that is what I am all about.

A Cold Steel Rain

Word up.

You know that feeling you get when you are just enough flown to see all the beauty and none of the shittiness and to feel all of the goodness and none of the rage? I had it a minute ago and lost it.

The funny/tragic thing about that state is it is one of the reasons I continue to drink. I want to cut past all the misanthropism to feel a little connection with my fellow man, before I descend into the blackness where I condemn them all to the pit for their sins, and mine too. I guess I'm always chasing that feeling, of togetherness in the goodness, instead of togetherness in the terribleness. Sometimes, I can begin to feel that I am rising above the animal nature that consumes us, but just sometimes.

I saw a guy in the gym the other night who I had tutored in the math lab. He told me that he got an A on his test that he had taken. I felt pretty accomplished, like I may have helped him get that grade and that maybe I wasn't so horrible and useless.

I was walking out of the store the other day and this homeless guy asks me, "Excuse me sir, can you spare a quarter?" I ignored him, but I felt like telling the guy that no one is going to give him a set amount of money like 25 cents, and that it would be better to ask for 23 cents because people are more likely to give weird amounts of change that are specific instead of amounts like a quarter. I'm not really sure why, but I feel that I have seen some research that came to that conclusion, so suck it!

Well, there you go, a walk on part in the war.

Someone Comes and Kicks Me in the Balls

Only nerds think this is funny.

I was talking to my brother the other day via facebook and I asked him if he had gotten his PhD yet and he said he had stopped going to graduate school because people are jammed up their own asses. I agreed but I didn't think too much about it then. Then the semester started and I started taking a course about research and the reality of what he said hit me full force. Here I was reading these god-awful articles that were published in peer-reviewed journals that were expounding about all these constructs, and all this jargon,and all the things that may be happening but you can't really pin down because it's fucking pointless, and I got pissed about all the goddamn yammering, and self importance and all that. I was starting to feel pretty shitty about everything.

Here's the thing: it's all just bullshit. All of it is total bullshit. I started feeling better once I realized this and decided that if these motherfuckers can make a life, a pretty easy one at that, believing their own shit and feeding that shit to others, then I sure as hell could too. I mean fuck it. It doesn't matter, just make some shit up, call it what you want,define it the way you want, measure it the way you want to, and if a bunch of other assholes agree, presto! So fuck it all, if there's anything I'm good at, it's making shit up. Whatever the fuck anyone does it doesn't matter because in a while it will either all be forgotten or totally discredited, and by that time no one will give a fuck. So let's indulge in some shameless self promotion and bullshittery. Fuck it dude, let's go bowling.

I mean look at me now. I went out and bought some new clothes and now I look like some kind of goddamn L.L. Bean ad. I'll post some pictures on that shit later, because it is pretty ridiculous. I figure if I look enough like the faculty, maybe someone will give me an office, and tenure even. What shit.

Check out Hourly Comics. They rule.

Week 1

Oh, yeah.

While it is technically the second week of the semester, it really only feels like the first because the University canceled half of last week. It's going pretty well. There have been tools, to be sure, but no where near the amount or magnitude of last semester.

Also, work is pretty cool. I think that has a lot to do with my sunnier outlook about things. That and it got warmer and the days are getting longer and sometimes you start to feel that God didn't create the Universe just so he could have a cheap laugh at all your hardships.

Only another hour and a half until I'm the fuck out of here and crawled up in that bottle. Life is unexpected.

Totally Fucking Contrived

Total Ownage.

This past week that Felicia has been gone has been a fun experiment. It's the kind of alone-ness that you need to let you know what the fuck is going on and who you are.

Turns out, I am not anyone. I was kind of fucked up the other day about how I really have no roots, I know shit about my family, I have no real connections to anything from the past and I have an indeterminate future. I was a little disheartened about the whole shit until today I was thinking about it and decided that it didn't matter who I was or even who I am. I am an actor, plain and simple. I am whatever my current situation dictates, student, father, husband, whatever. It doesn't matter. I don't have any free will anyway so why masquerade as if I do and then have all the dissonance when I think about the "choices" I've "made". Fuck it dude, let's go bowling.

There's a kind of liberation in the nothing-ness, and not just the kind induced by substances. I don't have to worry. I don't have to care. I don't have to pretend. Outside of what is legal and what isn't, I don't have to restrain my life. There is no objective metric with which to measure me. (I realize laws may seem objective but seeing as how they are created by us it kind of nullifies any credence to that.) I am whatever I feel like parading around as that day. What a joke.

I don't care. I'll never see any of these people again so the best course of action is the one that I feel has the most merit at that time.

Random section here:

Gin is good.
Have they always made 19 year old chicks so hot? I don't remember that shit.
I reheated some pizza tonight. GODDAMN GOOD.
I've been reading a lot. Hopefully, I'll post on that soon.
Whatever.

Wait, What Week Is It?

The Library.

Good news, everyone! We've reached the point in the semester when people realize they suck and start dropping classes or just not attending! Suck it, you bitches! Go back to your dead end jobs and rationalize that you're just "not ready to go to school" yet. You suck! Losers! I can't stand the nerds, but at least those motherfuckers have the balls to stick out an education. Now, what does that say about you assholes?

I'm sure the reason that people decided to go away is due to most of the classes having had their first exam. This time of the semester always gets me pumped. I don't know if they do this everywhere, but here the professors post your grades online and you get to see how you did with respect to the class mean. I like seeing how I did. I like crushing the class average. I like knowing that I destroyed the test and that other people failed. I actually enjoy the weeding out process. I like thinning the herd and removing weakness. I think I have problems.

Anyway, getting at what I'm getting at is something that I think of often but of which I rarely speak: the Marine Corps. What a terrible force, a soul-crushing endeavor that I endured, that I actually asked for that altered me on a fundamental level during my formative young-adulthood/ adolescence. I remember the recruiter saying that the Marines don't brainwash anyone. Bull-motherfucking-shit. They take people made passive by our society's standard of living and strip all that shit away and get to the core aggression that defines the human animal, the shit we all know but don't say, the ability to take an object and brutally wreak havoc on another human being's body because someone told you to or simply because everyone else is doing it.

I won't say that the Marine Corps made me hate weakness. That aspect of personality is in everyone. I will say that they brought it up to a conscious level, honed it, sharpened it, showed it to me, made me love it. I think often about how they did it. They are very efficient, I'll give them that. Anyway, I think it's funny that this part of me is nurtured by seeing the herd of college students being actively culled by the predators of exams and grades. It makes me feel good about myself. If I actually take time to think about this, it makes me a little afraid of myself and the type of person I really am. Sometimes, I find it very hard to keep it all under control.

At any rate, I do keep a lid on all that shit. Part of that is the crazy drinking/exercise regimen I self-inflict. Check out this work out program:

Monday: Biceps and triceps, grab heavy weight, curl arms, extend arms. Repeat until exhaustion.

Wednesday: Chest, grab heavy weight, press. Follow chest presses with at least 100 push-ups. After 100, continue push-ups and repeat until exhaustion.

Friday: Back, find a bar, pull body weight up. Repeat at least 100 times. After 100, continue pull ups and repeat until exhaustion.

Tips: Rest 1 minute between sets. Include at least 125 sit ups on each workout day.

Now check out this drinking program:

Friday: Drink bourbon. Repeat until stupor.

Saturday: Drink bourbon. Repeat until stupor.

Sunday: Drink beer. Repeat for at least six beers, but don't go apeshit. You have to get up and punish your body on Monday.



You all know who rocks? Yael Naim, that's who. Seriously, check her out. Peace, bitches!

Week 2

Attention other people who populate the campus! Stop sucking so hard. As many of you have noticed, you are all douches of the highest order. I have seen you around, being terrible, and stupid, and ignorant. You are shit heads and you need to get over yourselves.

Let me break down some shit for all of you on campus, especially the ones who happen to be in my classes:

1. No one cares what you think. Even if the professor asks, no one really cares about your opinion. Keep these stupid, stupid things to yourself. If and only if you must speak because the classroom situation requires you to open your mouth; pause, think back and remember (if you did the assigned reading) what the text said; pause some more, think about what you derived from the text (again, only if you bothered to open your ridiculously expensive book); pause once again, formulate a coherent thought and then state your understanding of the matter that was covered in the text.

*Note: If a no answer was given to any if situation above, shut the goddamn fuck up.

2. When you are out, keep in mind that 10 minutes before class starts, you are not the only one going somewhere, and that some of us, have places to be and don't like being late. I know, lots of you are out there, fucking around, talking to some bitches, getting in my way. Please, remember that your pathetic existence is not going to get any better by going to college, so please, stay home and stay the fuck out of my way.

3. Males aged 18 to 22: you suck. Look, I know. I was one very recently and I know that I sucked. You too, also suck. I hate you and wish you the absolute worst. And no, your stupid attire, or sunglasses, or hats, or skateboards, or your loud talking about some guy who, "smoked like, two ounces", or your stupid ass dread locks, or what ever it is that you cling to for an identity don't make you cool.

4. Also, males in general: get your fat fucking asses to the goddamn gym. Do a fucking push-up, ride a bike, don't get the super-caloric, milk shake type drink from Starbucks every class break, try not to eat fast food all the goddamn time, something. Stop being so goddamn weak and maybe all the hot, young women around campus might actually want to fuck you. I don't know, it's a start anyway. Also, try a shower, or shaving, or some shit. When a skinny motherfucker like me with my long-ass hair is the most fit, clean-cut guy in the room there is a problem with the rest of the men there.

5. Women: stop wearing pajama pants to school. You are not cool. Probably no one even likes you. You are not a free-spirit or what the fuck ever. You suck. Go put on some real fucking pants.

6. All of you motherfuckers need to wear shoes and socks, at all times.

7. Just stop being douches so much, okay.

Week 1

This past week was the first week of the fall semester around here. Let me sum up the big shit for you.

1. Kiernan already has a pink-eye type ailment.

2. Gavin likes school. He goes with me to the daycare/preschool on campus. He thinks it's pretty great.

3. Felicia got sick, naturally.

4. The dog is alive and gimping around the new apartment.

5. Oh yeah, didn't I tell you that we moved to Anchorage to be extremely poor? We did.

6. Calculus is already really fucking hard, packed with nerds, and jammed into a tiny room.

7. Did I mention that I can't stand nerds? This statement may seem ridiculous coming from someone as nerdy as myself, but if you saw the kinds of nerds I was talking about then you would understand the urge to kick their asses that I feel when I am surrounded by these losers. God, they suck, their computers suck, their fucking online games suck, their terrible hygiene/style/facial hair/unkemptedness sucks. In short, I fucking hate them. Especially when they spout off some stupid shit about voting against pro-social measures because those measures might, "hurt industry".

8. We went to the state fair and got drunk and walked around, then got more drunk, watched the Gin Blossoms play, then got unbelievably drunk. Basically what I learned was: Fair+Booze>Fair-Booze. Rearranging that equation you get: Fair+2Booze>Fair, which I think was proved on Sunday night.

9. I usually don't link to other blogs but my brother wrote a really good piece over at First Draft. Just go check it out.

10. Yeah, it's all over the news but it bears repeating. The AK governor was chosen for McCain's VP. I don't repeat this as a point of pride. I am actually really pissed because it basically destroys Obama's chances at winning the state because all the fucking "Independents" (read: Conservatives) who live in AK are going to vote for the "local girl". Hell, she must be good, right? I mean we're from roughly the same geographic location!

I am mostly bitter because she cut legistator approved, state funds for an in state, recycling facility that would have brought job opportunities to her home fucking city during a time that the state was/is receiving record income from oil revenues. So, if in the future you hear some shit about her being pro-business or creating jobs, you can call the bullshit police on that one. Also, her husband is a member of the United Steelworkers Union which is total bullshit because organized labor and collective bargaining are two concepts that aren't really traditional laissez-faire, free-market capitalism, GOP principles.

11. Fuck all this.