Siiiigggghhhh

Now, imagine Ol' Saint Nick here, but nude, gesticulating wildly, and half-yelling, "Watch out, the Federalies are everywhere." That's what I walked into in the gym locker room tonight. No shit. Don't move to Alaska, these motherfuckers are everywhere up here.

Also, Sex and the City is a terrible, terrible show. I hate it.

P.S. I am bored. Bored. Like Chino Moreno screaming inside my skull. This is why I drink.

Suck On This!

This is what happens, Larry, when you fuck the people of the State of Alaska in the ass!

So, yeah, you've probably seen this already but it bears repeating. Go read the link, it's pretty sweet. You know, I'm really not one of those people who think that politicians are all corrupt and government is the problem but I have to smile when I see some asshole like Sen. Stevens getting indicted. My main beef with him is how much of an asshole he is. He's your typical Republican panderer who blames Washington and the Democrats and "big government" for all the ills in the country while in the meantime earmarks the shit out of bills to benefit his state and funnels millions of dollars to Alaska via the same government he claims is the problem. It's hypocrisy at it's best, especially the way he denies any wrong-doing and even brags about "stuffing bills like a turkey." What a dick.

I could go on about this but I don't want to. Instead I'll leave you to find out some more shit about our Senator and how he is totally going to get fucked. The Anchorage Daily News is a good place to start.

Oh yeah, the semester is over so I am completely un-engaged for the next three weeks.

The THEODORE

So, I can't get the goddamn thing to make this caption above the picture. I want to say that this picture should be put up on lolcats or some shit. But this cat is pretty funny looking right? Right?



Yo, check it. I made some bread. 4 loaves of it. I also made some dope ass casserole with some bear meat and a goddamn pie with apples and raspberries that I froze last year. I totally fucking rock balls.

We went to Fairbanks this past weekend. It sucked. I drove a long fucking way to hang around at a museum that had a mammoth skull and then hang out at a park.

Okay, I got bored. I think I might repost this shit. But right now I am too drunk to give a shit.

Woo!

New Funny Shit

So, I am bored and should be doing homework for my ridiculously stupid English class. A little side note here, never, ever, ever take a technical writing course, you will want to stick an ice pick into your brain it is so fuckingly, stupidly subjective and worthless. Instead of doing that shit I decided to update my links and add two sites that I have been seriously enjoying lately and feel greedy keeping them to myself. The sites are:

Pictures for Sad Children

&

Toothpaste for Dinner

Both of these sites rule. It helps if you read Pictures from the beginning but Toothpaste is good anywhere. Many people, no doubt, already visit these sites but I like to draw attention to these two because I consistently laugh and agree with what the comic's author has to say.

Fuck this. I'm going to watch the ducks outside in the stream and write haikus or some other self-indulgent bullshit. Later.

Around Campus

Here are a few pictures from a place I like to hang out on campus. It's usually empty, except for hot-assed coeds and the occasional dip-shit who is walking through talking about how he has "friends" all over the country because the fat motherfucker is in some stupid frat, nice job fat-ass, good luck with the heart disease. All rancor aside, this place is pretty neat and I like to come sit and fuck around here when I could be studying. It makes me think that I am in some sci-fi book and I live in some sort of giant arkship that is adrift among the stars and I am one of the last human inhabitants, which is just fine with me, or that I live on some personal hollowed out asteroid because I am mega rich and I can afford to be a space recluse.



Like I said, it's pretty bad-ass with the stream and the greenery, it is a good place to sit and reflect, or as Felicia says I do, sit and silently judge everyone and everything. Seriously, does that sound like me?

Speaking of campus shit, I am taking a communications class this semester. Booooorrrrriiiinnnngggg. It is really infuriating because it just reinforces people's stereotypes, i.e. Men are the strong, silent type, or when communicating they only want to "fix" women's problems and women talk just to connect and just want someone to listen to them. Can we please just throw some fucking dirt on this shit already? I am so fucking infinitely bored with this shit. Why don't I just get a fucking shirt that says: "Hi, I'm male, ruled by my penis, and therefore incapable of being a human being. Please don't expect anything other than this from me because it would be a crime if, as a society, we could grow a little bit. Now, show me them titties!"

Happy Fourth!

Celebrating Independence in the true spirit of the Founding Fathers: getting wrecked, eating barbecue, and playing badminton.

Pre-game cocktails. This recipe is pomegranate vodka, pomegranate mixer, and orange liqueur. It comes off as a little too pomegranate-y, so I need to play with the mix a little. I am thinking regular vodka would take the fruity edge off.

Here is Kiernan with an ear of corn. He is pretty stoked.

Here is a picture of Gavin. He was hanging out with the chef for the barbecue, picking up some tips on how to cook ribeye steaks. Mmmm, steak.

Who says I'm not a patriot? Why look at this motherfucking Old Glory shortcake I made. I should be the next president I'm so goddamn 'merican.

Unfortunately I have no pictures from the badminton showdown between Felicia and myself because no one took any of us out there. It was fucking brutal. It was best two out of three, to 21, after several drinks, mandatory drink guzzling breaks at the halfway mark, between what turns out to be two super-competitive people. Brutal. I ended up winning but it went pretty much down to the wire. I have a feeling that this has more to do with my higher BMI being able to process and store more alcohol than Felicia. Whatever, another notch in the W column, fuck it.

I would say something else here about patriotism, civic responsibility, how this country is great, and how being American is goddamn near orgasmic compared to being say, Zimbabwean, but I won't. I'm not going to bore you motherfuckers with all that shit because a: if you took the time to read it and didn't quit after the first sentence then you probably already agree with what I have to say and b: surprisingly I'm not THAT full of myself. I mean hey, we all know America is fucked up and inequitable and people are rendered into pulp everyday by the American Dream and no one even gives a fuck. In spite of all that depressing shit mentioned in the last sentence we don't go ape shit and kill each other en masse because we are Americans and goddammit, we have governmental choices and elections and all that other shit that a bunch of fucked up, pissed off, aristocratic, white guys dreamed up and implemented a long time ago.

Wait, it seems I am that full of myself.

Where I Stay: Summer

Our home.

This is my favorite.

So, while the winters here totally suck the summers also suck, but in a different way. Having 18+ hours of daylight doesn't really lend itself to sleeping as much per night as I need to, and I am a HUGE dick when I don't get enough sleep. I really can't go to sleep when it's light out, unless it is in the middle of the day and I am taking a quick nap, and so I just get mean.

Fuck this.

I am not Important

Not in the least. I have been kind of pissed slash depressed slash suicidal, lately. Some of that comes from thinking I am insignificant contrasted with all the other motherfuckers you see on the internets who think that they are not. In fact, they think that without them, the world would crumple up into a singularity of suck and that they are the gatekeepers of all that is right and good. I think that, historically, these people would have been the first to sign up for Crusades, or jihad, or what-have-you.

Also, pomegranate vodka on ice is like childhood candy, liquefied and made into booze. No wonder people drink this stuff first thing in the morning.

Father's Day

This was not taken on Father's Day, but it still shows off my long-ass hair.

This was also not taken on Father's Day, but it shows that I love my kids.

Okay, I have to be truthful, kids are hell. If you like huge amounts of stress over long periods of time with little foreseeable reward, then have kids. They push every goddamn boundary and limit you can imagine. The benefit of this is that your genetic material gets passed along and propagated, so I guess it all equals out in the end.

Goddamn kids.

Ass Valedictorian

Not the help I was looking for.

Just a few things here:

1) When I'm in the Wal-Mart pharmacy line, it's not a fucking place of worship. Therefore, I should not have motherfuckers come up to the front of the line and ask all the patrons, all of whom have been waiting a long time to get the medicine they need to live, if they believe in the healing power of prayer. Newsflash fuckhead, if I believed in that shit, you'd see me in church on Sunday, not waiting in a fucking line in Wal-Mart. God is constantly fucking with me via assholes as described above.

2) When you describe your spouse, I don't think the first adjective that comes to mind should be "Godly". This should be self-explanatory.

3) Bourbon is my favorite drink. Sure, I like beer, wine, gin, just about anything, but I have a deep, up-welling, long-term love of bourbon. I don't know if this is historically accurate, but I remember reading something that said one of the founding fathers (Jefferson, maybe?) wanted bourbon to be the national drink. This rules and even if it isn't true, don't tell me.

Ludacris rules.

Oh yeah, vote bitches.

There is no Title, Fuckface

These are the two plants that we have (courtesy of me).

These are the new plants that I have gotten.

Where the fuck did I put that book?

Bored

I'm as bored as this guy at the library.

What the fuck am I still doing awake?

Gavin's Birthday

This is a roll call of all the shit that I made for Gavin's third birthday. We went with a Mexican theme and so made a bunch of shit that you might find at Taco Bell.

I made some bomb-ass five-layer dip. It totally fucking rocked.

Some quesadillas for the chillens.

This is like the only thing that Felicia did the entire day. She made some goddamn out of the box cupcakes.

I, however, totally rule. I created a model (obviously not to scale) of a Mayan pyramid. I've got some a watermelon pyramid topped by mango (the place where prisoners were sacrificed) surrounded by cantaloupe jungle floor with banana trees with mango leaves. The strawberries were on sale so they got into the picture as well.

An obligatory picture of children with cake on their faces at birthday parties.

Whoo! A goddamn big wheel!

This is a totally cool picture of Gavin on his new bike. We rule as parents.

The sacrificial lamb.

These next couple of pictures are for all you assholes who have some kind of faith in the human condition. Humans are inherently evil. They aren't good and anyone who believes as much can look at these following pictures.

Children, with only the least amount of prodding, will take weapons, rip down, and pummel the shit out of a cute animal analog while said animal is on the ground and not resisting. You'll notice how some children keep beating the animal and others are ripping at the animal's flesh, all for the reward of sweet, sweet candy. As a species, we are fucking evil. You can see it in our kids, everyday actions, and politics. We have no fucking better angels, so fuck all that shit. Let's go out and embrace our atavistic nature.

Candy is good, especially when ripped from the entrails of an animal.

When the hell is it going to be my goddamn birthday?

Lookit

Check out these pretty ass clouds.

Out for a few beers with the boys.

The beers are for me, by the way. I would never dream about wasting a full beer on a toddler. They never drink all of the beer and you have to finish it up with all their backwash in it.

Fuck This Shit

Check this shit out.

Why back in my day, we din' need no damn Jap pitchers ta put the fear of Gawd in ya! Was enough to know ya's goin ta hell if ya jus thought about masturbatin'! Yessiree!

Third Try Here

Well, I did have two tremendously stupid bumper stickers to post for you here, but I didn't take a picture of the one (Tolerance is for people who lack conviction) and I couldn't find a web picture large enough for the other (Friends don't let friends eat farmed fish! Support Alaska's wild fishermen), but I'll have more to say on those later.

In the meantime, look at this stupid shit that I found while googling the phrase: stupid bumper stickers.

I don't even know where to begin with this so I'll go back to the original impetus for this post, the "tolerance" bumper sticker. I was at the gym tonight and as I was leaving I saw this sticker, which I had seen before, and I got sick to my stomach. I mean, I was just in the same enclosed area with someone who, by virtue of this sticker, is saying, "All non-white, non-protestant, non-English speakers disrobe and wait in this line for the cham...I mean showers." Fuck. I'm not even asking for acceptance here but this is the equivalent of having a sticker that says, "Wannsee Was Right!"

It always angries up the blood to see this shit. It's kind of like every person I've ever met who was a self described anarchist. You know the type: skinny, pale, white, and when pressed on the issue, has no real justification for thinking the way they do and no real argument as to why you shouldn't beat their ass and take their jacket, shoes, wallet, car, bitch, whatever. I mean, an anarchist would understand that right? The kind of motherfucker who would be totally fucked in an anarchic situation because they're the first to be a) killed and robbed, or b) claimed by the largest male and made into prostitutes and then later killed and robbed.

The point is, stupid people who festoon their person, car, residence, with this kind of dog shit rely on the tolerance of others that don't haul off and torch their car, like me, and the laws of the government they claim to hate to protect themselves from others who would kill them, like me. Fucking idiots, all.

The second sticker "Farmed fish" is also equally stupid. I'm no ecologist, I don't know fuck all about fishing, and to be honest, I don't care. Supposing that this same principle of no farming was drafted onto other areas of production, it would be reasonable to assume that you could find stickers admonishing people to not eat farmed grain and to support local gatherers, or not consume farmed antibiotics and support local biochemists. It's fucking dumb. It's just another logical dead end that appeals to the jackasses up here whose whole life is fishing, have never heard of the commons, and oppose government limits to catches until the fisheries collapse and then complain that "the guvment" didn't do anything to protect us taxpayers. They took'r jobs!!!

As for the John Kerry thing, like I said, it still makes no sense.

In other news tonight, I officially became a Barack Obama supporter today after John Edwards endorsed the Senator from Illinois. The quick story on that is that I was a Hillary supporter after Edwards (my original choice) left the race before the primaries here, because I liked her health care plan better and, if elected, would probably piss off so many motherfucking conservatives that the death rate due to stroke and cardiac arrest would skyrocket in that demographic. Yeah, it is a mean spirited reason to support a candidate but I still like Hillary Clinton because she is driven by power. You have to fucking respect that. She basically ran on the platform that, "I'll do and say anything, just immortalize me by making me the first woman President in U.S. history."

Also, tonight was the first time I heard Sen. Obama speak. I had deliberately avoided hearing both candidates speak because I wanted any decision I made about them to be the rationed analysis of what their policies would be if elected and not, "Well, hell yeah! You heard him/her! His/Her impassioned rhetoric has swayed my dubious allegiance! Whoo!" I didn't want to fall into the trap of having emotions ruling what should be a rational decision about the person who is going to be ultimately responsible for the government of me and my family for at least the next four years. Anyway, after I heard Sen. Obama speak about the poor (me) and how his mother made sacrifices for a better life for him and how John Edward's family made sacrifices for him, my thoughts went something like this:

"Well, fuck yeah! You know what? Fuck those rich-ass people, gettin' a motherfuckin' tax break! Taking shit away from my kids? Hell no! Let's go drink some whiskey and then put a few bricks through windows and set some cars on fire and shit!"

So, there you have it.

nil

Yeah, that's right.

Post

This is what happens when a three year old is your bartender.

He demands that you pay him for his services by allowing him to sticker you up.