Thinking of You

Rosa Lucky Parks Toche

Yeah, I just dropped a bunch of bones on a Pembroke Corgi and Felicia named her after civil rights activist Rosa Parks.

I'm also drinking vodka-sodas and watching the second installment of the Godfather.

Eat a dick, mortality.

Bored II

His specifically requested blue and red striped cast.

The next Randian Superman, I'm sure.

There's nothing I could say here that would illuminate what exactly I am thinking, without sounding like too much of a dick, so I'll save the commentary for another day.

Super Readers

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FUCKING DO IT!

Palin, Eat a Fat One

So, you've already heard the news but I just wanted to say that I am glad this fucking waste of flesh is soon to be no longer in charge of the state. I fucking loathe Palin, so I hope she fucking chokes.

Also, during the 4th of July parade yesterday, a bunch of fucking assholes kept saying, "Enjoy your freedom." like a bunch of smug fucking shitheads. You know what motherfucker? I don't need some fucking idiot to remind me to enjoy freedom. I enjoy my freedom every time I give some anti-gay protesters the finger. I enjoy my freedom every time I tell the internet that a public official can go suck a box of dicks. I enjoy my freedom every time I watch video of a woman sucking off a horse. I enjoy my freedom every time I drop a fuck load of f-bombs in the produce section. So all you stupid motherfuckers who feel the need to remind people to enjoy freedom can go get bent, because we're probably already enjoying the fuck out of it already, without your smug fucking comment, douche.

God bless the fuck out of America.

M-E-T-H-O-D Man!

Summer fun.

Here we are at Finger Lake. The boys are about to get their sea legs.

At the 4th of July Parade in the grand metropolis of downtown Wasilla, jumping off point for national superstar, Sarah Palin.

Sure, she looks innocent enough, but this is her trollface.

Some fundie christians with some anti-gay sex signs on the 4th.

Also, some crazy libertarians at the 4th parade.

The official Wasilla tea-bagging party.

My trollface.

Goddamn, this kid looks so cool.

Rustic as fuck.

Gavin, Jessica, and Dominic holding hands and walking up a trail.

So today was the anniversary of the nation's birth, and all the crazies came out. Naturally we took the opportunity to troll the shit out of everyone who really thought that their stupid signs would sway anyone's opinion about anything. The crazy libertarians from the parade came up and asked us to take their literature and I said, "Get that shit away from us." while Felicia said, "Umm, Nooo!" so the libertarian woman said, "Okay, that's your right!" while the bitch was walking on a government funded street. Then, as a family, we drove by the fundie christians, honk, and then give them the finger while I laugh my ass off. Then, the teabag party. We drove by several times to take pictures and then yell, "Go Galt!" and "Ron Paul!".

I regret that I didn't organize a better troll of the stupid ass tea baggers. I am ashamed that I did not walk around the teabag party with my Obama shirt, posters deliniating how much Alaska pays in taxes with respect to how much federal aid the state receives, and just how dumb the "conservatives" are.

Anyway, the summer up here has been magnificent and we have been loving it.

Also, suck a fat dick King George!

It Starts Eyes Closed, Fingers Crossed

Flowers fucking rule.

Some views of the mountains up Archangel Trail.

A view of the valley below.

I'm goddamn proud of this kid.

Check this out. I've been silent about a bunch of shit, but fuck it, I'm just enough drunk to blog. The above pictures were taken of the oh so short summer here in Alaska. This one has been pretty sweet: High temperatures, clear skies, no hassle, etc. It is reminiscent of the first time I visited Alaska and decided, "Fuck, this place ain't so bad." Anyway, there are flowers and then the hiking trip.

We went up to Hatcher's Pass in the Mat-Su valley and hiked up this trail that I can't remember the real name but it was Archangel Pass or some shit, it was cool. We had this great idea to take the stroller for the kids but about a half mile up the trail the terrain is so fucked up we have to ditch the stroller so the kids have to walk/we carry them.Gavin, however, is up to the fucking challenge. He hikes way the fuck up this trail, up to this goddamn hill that is giving Felicia and I problems, and when we ask him if he wants to turn back, he answers, "No. I want to go up there."

Finally, we decide to turn back because he won't admit it, but the kid looks fatigued. Anyway, I forgot what the fuck I was going to say, but hey, I love my first born, especially since he's adopted a "can do" attitude. Fuck.

I only have children in order to ensure the survival of my DNA.

What the Fuck is This Nonsense

Suck a dick, Mr. Warhol.

I had to replant a piece of one of my creepers today. I chose the soup can out of necessity, as I had thrown out the pickle container earlier. Anyway, I started this post with the intention of telling Art to go fuck itself, and that I am clueless about it, but now I was thinking about how awesome plants are with their photosynthesis and lack of central nervous system, but I won't bore you with the nerd shit.

I saw a homeless guy on the way to the gym tonight and I thought, "There is a person just like me. He is cold, living on the street, alone, begging, and probably feeling like shit." I didn't even rationalize it I just said, "Fuck him." Oh well.

So, go fuck yourself Art and homeless people!

News Flash!

Dick Cheney is still a soul-less asshole.

That's pretty much it.

I Get BORED!!!

Hells yes.

So yeah, I have to say that this shit is pretty funny. I don't really care about drug offenses, I just don't care. I do think it is funny that the future mother in law of my governor's knocked up teen is going to the clink for a while. Yes, quite funny.

Also, there is this. I will confess that I don't know shit about this case because I haven't been following it, but I will say that I applaud this guy for pleading guilty instead of being like the other fuck heads I posted about who used defenses like, "I'm a drunk." or "I'm a fucking loser." Thinking about it again, fuck those guys. I hope they are enjoying prison, the fucking dicks.

That's about it. Oh yeah, this is my 100th post. Yay, me!

Suck it dry!

Bullshit

Thanks a lot, you fucking assholes.

I'm sure that I, like many of you, thought that the economic crisis was not really real until it directly impacted your life. I really couldn't care less what the DJIA does, or about the unemployment rate, or any of those economic markers that say that our financial system is fucked up. I just don't care. I have other shit to think about and chores to do and that kind of day to day shit.

But now, now these motherfuckers have fucked with something that I think is important so, being a blogger, I hurried to the internet to voice my disapproval of concepts and situations I barely understand. The ADN has this story that says the glass recycling program here in Anchorage is suspended starting in January due to the economy sucking ass and the high cost of recycling glass coupled with lower demand for recyclables. How does this impact my life you ask?

Let's have a little backstory first: I tend to drink a lot of beer, wine, and liquor, all of which come in glass bottles. I also am your typical bleeding-heart conservationist who actually cares about all the shit that we dump into the biosphere and all those animals, myself and children included, who then have to live in a totally fucked up, birth defect producing environment. Also, being human, I do the relatively easy thing and recycle. You might still be asking, why does the bother me?

Look, it goes like this: I like beer in the bottle. If the recycling place won't take glass, I have huge guilt at throwing away all that glass. Something has got to give so instead of buying beer in glass I have to choose the alternative: cans. I have to go back to drinking beer in the can. Do you know what kind of beer selection they have for cans? Not much, and certainly not the quality of beer that I have become accustomed to drinking.

So there you have it. Thanks AIG, Fannie and Freddie Mac, Bear Stearns, and the big Three, you have forced me to drink beer out of cans. You bunch of motherfuckers, you. Also, this gives me a chance to post one of my favorite Pundit Kitchen pictures of all time, posted below.

See you in beer can hell, Mr. Greenspan.

10,000 Shitty Diapers

NGC 7331, pretty bad-ass.

Go check out the 10 Best Astronomy Pictures of 2008. It rules pretty hard. There is an especially awesome video of the moon transiting the Earth that will blow your fucking mind. Maybe I should have embedded that. Nah, fuck it.

Anyway, I've been meaning to do a post a day since the semester is over but we've been up to our elbows in shit around here. Seriously, Tiny has some kind of goddamn virus that makes him shit the most foul smelling diarrhea at least 10 times a day. I'm not exaggerating the figure or the up to the elbows part, either.

Yesterday, Felicia was bathing both children with toys and everything when Tiny shit all in the water. I was pretty lucky in that she was the one who stuck her hands into that shit to dig out the toys and the children but I still had to get all the toys and throw them away and clean out the sink where she put them. It was pretty fucking gross. Especially considering that our bathroom doesn't have a vent fan and all four of us were crammed into an impossibly small space breathing in the stink of shit while we cleaned up everything and everyone.

People who use that saying "throw out the baby with the bathwater" have obviously never been confronted by a tub containing two children and bath toys, filled with tepid water and human shit, because that's exactly your first impulse, to just flush it all the fuck away. So don't use that idiom unless you have experienced it first hand, because you just sound like an asshole if you haven't.

Totally Fucking Contrived

Total Ownage.

This past week that Felicia has been gone has been a fun experiment. It's the kind of alone-ness that you need to let you know what the fuck is going on and who you are.

Turns out, I am not anyone. I was kind of fucked up the other day about how I really have no roots, I know shit about my family, I have no real connections to anything from the past and I have an indeterminate future. I was a little disheartened about the whole shit until today I was thinking about it and decided that it didn't matter who I was or even who I am. I am an actor, plain and simple. I am whatever my current situation dictates, student, father, husband, whatever. It doesn't matter. I don't have any free will anyway so why masquerade as if I do and then have all the dissonance when I think about the "choices" I've "made". Fuck it dude, let's go bowling.

There's a kind of liberation in the nothing-ness, and not just the kind induced by substances. I don't have to worry. I don't have to care. I don't have to pretend. Outside of what is legal and what isn't, I don't have to restrain my life. There is no objective metric with which to measure me. (I realize laws may seem objective but seeing as how they are created by us it kind of nullifies any credence to that.) I am whatever I feel like parading around as that day. What a joke.

I don't care. I'll never see any of these people again so the best course of action is the one that I feel has the most merit at that time.

Random section here:

Gin is good.
Have they always made 19 year old chicks so hot? I don't remember that shit.
I reheated some pizza tonight. GODDAMN GOOD.
I've been reading a lot. Hopefully, I'll post on that soon.
Whatever.

To Make You All Believe

The caption for this could be: "I totally hate everyone."

Hey, there are a lot of things that I don't understand and never will. This makes me pretty fucking depressed. I mean, how can I be a totally fully formed human being and do not understand the fundamental nature of the universe in which I live? Oh, right, I can get totally washed every chance I get.

Felicia is leaving on some kind of goddamn work thing for a fucking week. FUCK. SHIT. GODDAMN. I can't even say that if she dies in some freak plane accident that I'll kill myself, because you know, I have those goddamn kids. Not to mention all the work I am going to have to do in her absence.

Life is terrible and random. I just don't want you to forget that no matter what, I totally fucking hate you assholes.

Ratfuckers

One Totally Unabashed Ratfucker.

Seriously, never eat at Red Robin restaurants. They fucking suck. They fucking gave everyone in the house food poisoning, and now instead of being passed the fuck out at 415 AM on Saturday, I'm up because I can't stop puking, Gavin can't stop puking, and Felicia can't stop puking. All the vomiting wakes up Tiny and he starts screaming his ass off. Everyone calms down, sleep is attempted again but it only lasts for an hour or so before one of us is up again, retching our fucking guts out. Seriously, never eat at that fucking place.

Do not fuck with these guys. They will fuck you up.

Well, Fuck.

I've never figured out why a suburban motherfucker needs one of these.

So, Bad News around the house today.Here's the story:

This morning as I'm making Tiny some grits with cheese I spill some cheese on the floor. So, I go to the door to call the dog in from his morning pee to eat the cheese. I call the dog, I hear his collar jingling and I focus on the sound and see that he is going to come across the road. l also hear the rev of an engine and then it happens. Just as I'd seen it thousands of times, the dog runs across the road. I have enough time to see the dog breach the bushes encroaching upon the road, look at the oncoming, speeding, non-braking, non-stopping SUV, and then the thump. It sounded like you took a slab of brisket and wailed on the fender of a car, except more brutal.

Then the dog is yelping, yelping, yelping. He spins in the road and I see his limbs flailing, I swear I can see the terror in his eyes. I think, "Holy Fuck, now I have to go out there and bash his head in with a rock because he is totally fucked." Then I go get my phone to call Felicia's Uncle to ask him if he can come shoot Rommel so I can go bury him somewhere. As I'm dialing I go to check that the dog is still in the road and I don't have to run him down. To my surprise, he's up and running, and not gimpy either. Maybe it's the adrenaline but he comes up the steps, under the crib, and he (naturally) has an insane look in his eyes.

I decide that I can't have him puking up blood in front of the children and all over our stuff so I get him and take him downstairs to the garage. I check him out: no bloody spittle, no compound fractures, no overtly recognizable broken bones. In short, he's not only lucky to be alive but he's on the lower end of horribly injured due to a hit and run.

We don't have money to take him to a vet to X-Ray him and tell us that his ribs are broken and that he needs rest to recoup or else he is just going to die. So, fuck it. He's at home. He looks like you would imagine a dog who survives an impact with a two-ton, speeding, lump of metal. Hell, he looks good. I figure that if he lasts until morning, he'll make it.

In closing, if you own an SUV, you not only are killing the environment, pouring money into the coffers of governments whose citizens are willing recruits for Jihad, you also have a hand in the suffering of a small Pembroke Corgi in Alaska.

Nothing, Really

So, I don't really have anything. I mean, I do, but it's nothing so extraordinarily shitty that the entire fucking internets need to know. I think I'll just tick off some random shit and see where it takes me.

I'm kind of bummed about John Edwards. I like the guy, he's human, he fucked up, but if he had only done cocaine and skipped out of Air National Guard duty instead of fucking some woman who wasn't his wife, he'd be pres-o-dent. I don't know, I'm totally pissed about the stupidly dual nature of the American public who simultaneously hold mutually exclusive worldviews but can't be bothered to see any shade of gray on other issues. (I'm looking at you, the American response to recent Russian incursions into a sovereign nation and the country's view on the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan juxtaposed with, let's say, Gay Rights, abortion, the environment, health-care, etc.).

Something else I saw today but can't be bothered to link: The USA Today reports that Americans are totally stupid when it comes to anything. Some shit about how vast swathes of America have opinions of things about which they know nothing. Wow, stop the fucking presses. See the above paragraph.

You know, I don't like a lot of people.

It was my 27th birthday recently. I had the refreshing thought that, "Hey, even if I die at 55 I still have an amount of time left to live that is comparable to that which I have already experienced." It made me feel good because I've lived 27 years and can't begin to remember all the shit that's happened, so some of it must have been good, hell, even ecstatic, right? I must confess that I do feel old, though. I mean, goddamn, if this were the Paleolithic I'd either be dead already or only have maybe 10 good years left.

Felicia and I are moving to Anchorage by the end of the month. I am excited to live in a metropolitan area where I can get shit at any hour. I hate the suburbian/rural America. What a fucking dump.

Suck On This!

This is what happens, Larry, when you fuck the people of the State of Alaska in the ass!

So, yeah, you've probably seen this already but it bears repeating. Go read the link, it's pretty sweet. You know, I'm really not one of those people who think that politicians are all corrupt and government is the problem but I have to smile when I see some asshole like Sen. Stevens getting indicted. My main beef with him is how much of an asshole he is. He's your typical Republican panderer who blames Washington and the Democrats and "big government" for all the ills in the country while in the meantime earmarks the shit out of bills to benefit his state and funnels millions of dollars to Alaska via the same government he claims is the problem. It's hypocrisy at it's best, especially the way he denies any wrong-doing and even brags about "stuffing bills like a turkey." What a dick.

I could go on about this but I don't want to. Instead I'll leave you to find out some more shit about our Senator and how he is totally going to get fucked. The Anchorage Daily News is a good place to start.

Oh yeah, the semester is over so I am completely un-engaged for the next three weeks.

Where I Stay: Summer

Our home.

This is my favorite.

So, while the winters here totally suck the summers also suck, but in a different way. Having 18+ hours of daylight doesn't really lend itself to sleeping as much per night as I need to, and I am a HUGE dick when I don't get enough sleep. I really can't go to sleep when it's light out, unless it is in the middle of the day and I am taking a quick nap, and so I just get mean.

Fuck this.