Like A Dead Man

Making it look easy.

Not so much.

Summer fun!

Giving Thanks.

Moi plus le vin font le sourire.

Sometimes, it makes you want to have some of your own.

No sweet potato casserole or pie this Thanksgiving. Total Failure.

I re-read The Stranger this weekend. It is still as good and relevant as it was when I first read it 10 years ago, so that made me pretty depressed/happy. In fact, the novel had such an effect on me (like it always does) that today as I was out, I felt a more fundamental connection with Meursault than I did with any of the other automatons out doing the rounds.I was in a cafe and drinking my coffee and watching the snow and trying to figure out things and failing miserably.

Sometimes, I like to listen to Tori Amos, but I don't know what the fuck she is talking about.

Felicia and I went to "Game-Night" last night at her friend's, Hailee's, house. It was fun but we are old. Boardgames and cocktails while our kids ran around and raised hell until midnight. Pure Sub-urban Americana. To spice it up a little, there was an earthquake. Good times.

You don't know anything, much less your rationalizing self, so stop trying.

Sometimes, I think that it matters, but who knows. Maybe that's why the cosmos aren't swimming with (overt signs of) intelligent life. Maybe we're all consumed by our own pathetic navel-gazing to be bothered with anything else. Shit, I know that's the case with regards to myself.

Totally Fucking Contrived

Total Ownage.

This past week that Felicia has been gone has been a fun experiment. It's the kind of alone-ness that you need to let you know what the fuck is going on and who you are.

Turns out, I am not anyone. I was kind of fucked up the other day about how I really have no roots, I know shit about my family, I have no real connections to anything from the past and I have an indeterminate future. I was a little disheartened about the whole shit until today I was thinking about it and decided that it didn't matter who I was or even who I am. I am an actor, plain and simple. I am whatever my current situation dictates, student, father, husband, whatever. It doesn't matter. I don't have any free will anyway so why masquerade as if I do and then have all the dissonance when I think about the "choices" I've "made". Fuck it dude, let's go bowling.

There's a kind of liberation in the nothing-ness, and not just the kind induced by substances. I don't have to worry. I don't have to care. I don't have to pretend. Outside of what is legal and what isn't, I don't have to restrain my life. There is no objective metric with which to measure me. (I realize laws may seem objective but seeing as how they are created by us it kind of nullifies any credence to that.) I am whatever I feel like parading around as that day. What a joke.

I don't care. I'll never see any of these people again so the best course of action is the one that I feel has the most merit at that time.

Random section here:

Gin is good.
Have they always made 19 year old chicks so hot? I don't remember that shit.
I reheated some pizza tonight. GODDAMN GOOD.
I've been reading a lot. Hopefully, I'll post on that soon.
Whatever.

To Make You All Believe

The caption for this could be: "I totally hate everyone."

Hey, there are a lot of things that I don't understand and never will. This makes me pretty fucking depressed. I mean, how can I be a totally fully formed human being and do not understand the fundamental nature of the universe in which I live? Oh, right, I can get totally washed every chance I get.

Felicia is leaving on some kind of goddamn work thing for a fucking week. FUCK. SHIT. GODDAMN. I can't even say that if she dies in some freak plane accident that I'll kill myself, because you know, I have those goddamn kids. Not to mention all the work I am going to have to do in her absence.

Life is terrible and random. I just don't want you to forget that no matter what, I totally fucking hate you assholes.

Shut Up You Don't Know Me

Rho, Phi, and Theta. Word.

I really have nothing else. School is going well. I mean, aside from all the misanthropic hatred for all the motherfucking losers who are all over the place.

Let me break down the stupid that I have heard/seen around campus lately and how I have thought/felt regarding these things:

"Sarah Palin is just like us." Said as I'm working on my Math 202 homework. Yeah, because Sarah Palin knows how to evaluate a single integral, much less multiple integrals in spherical coordinates.

Fucking retards playing hackysack in the student union. Goddammit. Are you fucking dicktards in high school or some shit? I mean, I did this shit when I was 15, in a public school, in Mississippi, and you motherfuckers think that you are going to get a degree in something by spending all your free time smoking weed, playing hack, and getting in my fucking way? To quote H. Rollins, "Get off the drugs and get back to the real world." Fucking Ass Fucks.

(This is a paraphrase from some guy who is a self-labeled genius): The U.S. is moving towards a Nazist, Marxist society, and sustainability is the way that this is happening. Me: My God, it's full of stars and completely uninformed, ignorant, shitfucks who ARE ACTUALLY ALLOWED TO VOTE. Also, the genius guy said that McCain wanted to abolish the Supreme Court and that Obama wanted to be a dictator. I present the last two items without comment.

I think I have more but I can't remember them. What I wanted to say was that, hey, it's almost Thanksgiving, and that I really love this holiday because it's like the only one that hasn't been co-opted by greeting card companies and merchandising fuckholes. I love Thanksgiving because I love reminding people that they should be happy for what is not wrong with their life, as opposed to what would could be better. Fucking Puritans and shit.

Also,

What an election win is supposed to look like.

That Gasoline Smell

Fucking A.

Shoot, Shoot, Shoot, Motherfucker!

I've been thinking a lot about my parents lately. They both died this time of year and even now, five and six years on, it gets me thinking about them.

I'd love to say that they were great, un-imaginable heroes, who always did the proper thing, and always knew the right course, and were two people who were totally infallible.

They were not.

I loved them, still love them, with a crazed vehemence. Love, however, has nothing to do with the fact that they were human, that they did fuck up, that they (especially my mother) were horrifically wrong about loads of things that they'd never understand, and that their worldview was one of the simple, trivial people who trust in god.

I've always kind of thought that god was a joke. If he existed at all, he either wasn't minding the laboratory, or he's a totally sadistic motherfucker. In either case, I'll choose to believe in a universe that doesn't care one way or the other as to whether I survive and not pin my hopes to a god who is diagnosable as ADHD or Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Look, I hate my life. I will probably kill myself. I just want my goddamn kids to be critical thinkers, and, at the very most, be a little bit happy with their lives.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Say goodbye to your fucking Senate seat, you are going to Federal Pound Me In The Ass Prison. This is totally fucking great. Now, get your fucking asses over and donate to Mark Begich.

Tell Your Friends Peace

Check out this comic from Toothpaste for Dinner.

So, I went out last night. It was terrible. Smoking in bars is still allowed in the stupid Mat-Su Valley, home of a bunch of stupid motherfucking rednecks. Yesterday, I saw a mud-coated truck that had the words "No bama" and "Vote McCain or die" spray painted on the tailgate and door. Of course, the truck was piloted by some mouth-breathing, fuck-tard, white kid who definitely had no idea about how government even works, much less an informed opinion about theories of governance. What a fucking douche. And to think we live in a society that actually permits this idiot a voice in how business is conducted. Un-fucking-believable.

Anyway, I went out and was promptly reminded of why I like drinking alone, in my house, the fuck away from a bunch of leathered-up Harley riders, bitches singing karaoke, and motherfuckers dressing like they just got off the cattle drive. Felicia and I were talking about how there is a vast, untapped research potential for observing human mating behavior that exists in bars all across the country. I mean, I could perpetually produce articles detailing how stupidly people behave if I could just have some audio/video feed from local bars.

Yeah, I did the whole bar, drink, talk with strangers (about sports of all things), went somewhere else, met up with some peeps, hugged a bunch of people, and yes, danced. I fucking danced, for fuck's sake. Here I am parading around like I'm some kind of adult, but stick me in the right situation and I'll be goddammed if I don't end up doing some stupid shit like dancing. Fuck, I was wasted.

One More Time Around

I don't think I'll have any pictures today. No, I fucking lied.


I made some fried chicken yesterday. I'm not talking about the shit you get at KFC or some other fucking place. I'm talking about in the kitchen, fucking up a chicken carcass, breading the motherfucker and then pan frying the bitch. I'm talking about work. And cayenne pepper, loads of that shit. This is one of the most southern of dishes you could possibly hope to eat. Healthy? Fuck no. Lots of work? Damn straight. Delicious? Hell fuck yes.

And that's what the fuck I am talking about. As a kid I had fried chicken, as described above, probably once a week. And not just the chicken either. We had mashed potatoes, or rice, and gravy, bread of some sort, iced tea/lemonade, and some kind of vegetable. And let's not forget the dessert.

What I'm saying is that my parents worked their asses off to give me some good shit that I didn't appreciate at the time. In fact, I complained to the high heavens about having to eat chicken "again". I was a fuckhole, a total ingrate motherfucker. I was everything that was wrong with the human species and I had no problem with it.

I regret that shit, like a motherfucker. Yeah, my parents weren't perfect, they did stupid things, just like everyone else, but sometimes I wish that they were still around so that I could tell them that they were right about a lot of shit and that I'm sorry for being such a dick all the time.

I Wonder How Much Pain It Would Take

Yeah, I cut my hair.

I can has table scraps?

Ahh, the bipolarity of children.

So, yeah, that's me. I cut my hair. I found myself enraged whilst trying to buckle car seats this week so I said, "Fuck it. We'll do it Live!" Now, I'm back to an almost regulation haircut. Crazy. Hell, I think it looks good, it emphasizes the fact that I've become painfully skinny. Seriously, I've lost 10 or so pounds since we moved, and that's factoring in the food poisoning losses. I've got to tell you, I feel crazy, amped up, almost unhinged, on the precipice of some unrealizable drop, completely enraged, morbidly detached. Without sounding too much like some poetry spouting loser, the other day I was staring into something so vacant it made me question my existence.

I've also been eerily quiet on the political news front. I blame Felicia. She gets to hear all my good shit and then I think that if I repost here, it gets too redundant. This, however, warrants some attention. I know that everyone and their brother has been lampooning Sarah Palin, I don't like her, I think she is incompetent, and that she is coached to say what the Party deems okay, but this is some shit that I can't fathom. She says some shit about how "Joe the Plumber" is afraid that Obama will take his money and redistribute it to people who haven't worked as hard as he has. To this I reply, "Goddamn straight."

Listen up, motherfuckers. I am one of those poor motherfuckers you hate. I am a living, breathing example of why you should support welfare. I get WIC, and childcare assistance. I go to college because I served in the military and paid my shit to have the GI Bill. I have paid taxes and while I currently don't because of school, I will have a degree soon and then be forced to get a job and pay taxes again. Without all the help we get now, I would be fucked.

So, yeah, Joe the fucking Plumber, I would not only take your earrings, but I would put you and your whole fucking family on the fucking rack and torture the shit out of you all if that's what it took for my kids to fucking eat. I would fuck your shit up. All you rich people too, you motherfuckers mean nothing to me. I'd fuck your shit up too. So be glad that we live in a society where all we do is take your money so undeserving, non-hardworking motherfuckers like me and my kids get the crumbs from the adult table so that we can live and maybe, just maybe, we can make something better for our kids than what our parents had. And don't get me wrong, I know I am one of the lucky ones.

Fuck Joe the Plumber and fuck Joe Sixpack while we're at it, the motherfucking alcoholic.

Ratfuckers

One Totally Unabashed Ratfucker.

Seriously, never eat at Red Robin restaurants. They fucking suck. They fucking gave everyone in the house food poisoning, and now instead of being passed the fuck out at 415 AM on Saturday, I'm up because I can't stop puking, Gavin can't stop puking, and Felicia can't stop puking. All the vomiting wakes up Tiny and he starts screaming his ass off. Everyone calms down, sleep is attempted again but it only lasts for an hour or so before one of us is up again, retching our fucking guts out. Seriously, never eat at that fucking place.

Do not fuck with these guys. They will fuck you up.

This Is Some Bullshit Right Here

Total Fucking Bullshit.

So, you know how I posted that it was autumn last week? Well, God decided to shit all over that one. In short, it snowed today. It fucking snowed on 05 October. What the fuck kind of place do I live in? Oh yeah, one that sucks.

I know we all hate the places in which we live, it's human nature, but this is some Grade-A bullshit. I mean, I don't even have the goddamn studded tires on yet.

Also, Gavin probably has cancer, or something. We took him to the doctor today after a night of 103 plus temperatures and vomiting and the doc said, "Ehh, I don't know." He doesn't have the flu, strep, ear infections, all the usual culprits, he just has raging fevers that are remedied by motrin and no appetite. I'm going to call the bullshit card on this one too.

Seriously, never have children. You know how everyone is all freaking out about the economy and shit? Well, have some goddamn kids, and then have them get sick and you can't do shit about it, and you have no fucking money, and they might die. That's some real motherfucking worry, right there. You realize that all the other shit you were thinking about doesn't matter and that you would kill every other being on the planet if it would make your kid feel better. I'm serious.

On the positive side, I made burritos, which totally owned.

Yo, What's Up?

Just doing some light reading.

The only thing that is missing here is a giant loaf of crusty bread.

Check out the flower that one of my plants put out. Creepy, right?

So the damn children have been sick. Of course, the children's state health insurance is being re-approved right now and we don't have any coverage, so the children see the need to have all these doctor appointments and medications and all this shit. I tell you, they better produce one hell of a return on the investment we're putting into them. I don't know what the fuck we would do if we had to pay for this shit all the time.

Hey, you know what else? I hate a lot of people. Today I found an old diary (Yeah, I called it a diary. Only homos have journals.) that I had kept from back when before I hooked up with Felicia, went through my divorce, and progressed through the time the old man died and up to past Gavin's birth. In short, I was a fucking wreck. I think that, judging from the shit I saw, I could probably have been diagnosed with depression. Not in a pussy, "Oh, I don't feel good about life" way but in a "Holy Shit. Maybe I need to make the world better and kill myself" type of situation.

Look, I've always been prone to the melancholy, but looking at that shit made me thankful for the tenacity that is built into the whole business of living. Shit. If I'd been a total douche, I would have offed myself and never found teh blogonets. And then where would all you motherfuckers be?

All I'm saying is that maybe you should go back and read some shit that you had put down in a previous time. It's kind of fun to see a keyhole view into how you thought the world was and that you thought you knew who you were. The truth is that you don't know shit, and you just delude yourself into thinking you know what is up and what is going on. The truth is that you are terrible, just like me. We are all terrible. That is our station as a species: To be terrible.

Now, get out there and be terrible. You motherfuckers!

Where I Stay: Autumn

Random, pretty foliage shots from Wasilla.

Mandatory autumn empty road picture.

The in-laws' house. And yeah, that's my Subaru. I rule.

Work.

The childrens.

I think autumn is my favorite season. It's all brisk and brief and pretty and shit. You know what I'm talking about. It certainly makes me thankful that I don't have to chop wood and shoot animals and exterminate the indigenous human population in order to get by. I mean, what the fuck do I have to worry about? Exams? Income? I'll take my current set of problems over the shit people used to have to do to survive any day.

So, I know it's not Thanksgiving and all that but it certainly feels like it already, so go give thanks, or some shit. Later.

Wait, What Week Is It?

The Library.

Good news, everyone! We've reached the point in the semester when people realize they suck and start dropping classes or just not attending! Suck it, you bitches! Go back to your dead end jobs and rationalize that you're just "not ready to go to school" yet. You suck! Losers! I can't stand the nerds, but at least those motherfuckers have the balls to stick out an education. Now, what does that say about you assholes?

I'm sure the reason that people decided to go away is due to most of the classes having had their first exam. This time of the semester always gets me pumped. I don't know if they do this everywhere, but here the professors post your grades online and you get to see how you did with respect to the class mean. I like seeing how I did. I like crushing the class average. I like knowing that I destroyed the test and that other people failed. I actually enjoy the weeding out process. I like thinning the herd and removing weakness. I think I have problems.

Anyway, getting at what I'm getting at is something that I think of often but of which I rarely speak: the Marine Corps. What a terrible force, a soul-crushing endeavor that I endured, that I actually asked for that altered me on a fundamental level during my formative young-adulthood/ adolescence. I remember the recruiter saying that the Marines don't brainwash anyone. Bull-motherfucking-shit. They take people made passive by our society's standard of living and strip all that shit away and get to the core aggression that defines the human animal, the shit we all know but don't say, the ability to take an object and brutally wreak havoc on another human being's body because someone told you to or simply because everyone else is doing it.

I won't say that the Marine Corps made me hate weakness. That aspect of personality is in everyone. I will say that they brought it up to a conscious level, honed it, sharpened it, showed it to me, made me love it. I think often about how they did it. They are very efficient, I'll give them that. Anyway, I think it's funny that this part of me is nurtured by seeing the herd of college students being actively culled by the predators of exams and grades. It makes me feel good about myself. If I actually take time to think about this, it makes me a little afraid of myself and the type of person I really am. Sometimes, I find it very hard to keep it all under control.

At any rate, I do keep a lid on all that shit. Part of that is the crazy drinking/exercise regimen I self-inflict. Check out this work out program:

Monday: Biceps and triceps, grab heavy weight, curl arms, extend arms. Repeat until exhaustion.

Wednesday: Chest, grab heavy weight, press. Follow chest presses with at least 100 push-ups. After 100, continue push-ups and repeat until exhaustion.

Friday: Back, find a bar, pull body weight up. Repeat at least 100 times. After 100, continue pull ups and repeat until exhaustion.

Tips: Rest 1 minute between sets. Include at least 125 sit ups on each workout day.

Now check out this drinking program:

Friday: Drink bourbon. Repeat until stupor.

Saturday: Drink bourbon. Repeat until stupor.

Sunday: Drink beer. Repeat for at least six beers, but don't go apeshit. You have to get up and punish your body on Monday.



You all know who rocks? Yael Naim, that's who. Seriously, check her out. Peace, bitches!

Where I Stay: Anchorage

Hey, check out these jam cookies. I rule.

Ahh, sweet ass, old, army barracks converted into low rent apartments.

The view of downtown is pretty bitchin' though. You just kind of have to keep out of your head that you are right above the train yard, and that any chemical mishap or explosion would probably kill you in your sleep.

Dining Room.

Living Room.

Plant window and bookshelves.

Here is a totally unscripted picture of Gavin reading his "magazine" about firefighters he got from his pre-school.

Now check out a similar picture of me as a child doing the same thing.

I think the last two pictures totally rule. It's pretty amazing that there still exists an ancient picture of me reading the paper, and even more amazing that I caught Gavin in almost exactly the same position. It's kind of freaky how similar the two images are.

Anyway, I'm going to get out of here before I get too sentimental or some such shit. I shall return soon with the expected levels of vitriol.

Suck It!

NEEEERRRRDDDDSSSS!!!!!

The only way that anyone should ever attempt to deal with mathematics: partially liquored up and reams of paper handy.

Another copy of my notes from class/the textbook.

Brushing up on some basic integrals in the back of my masterful textbook, Calculus: Early Transcendentals, Sixth Edition by James Stewart.

Yeah, I arranged my empties in a crude representation of a sine wave and then stood on a chair to take a picture. What of it?

Yeah, I can't stand nerds and find myself in the unlucky position of being one. I ameliorate my nerdness by drinking heavily and having sex regularly (ewwww) but it's still there. Look, I like things like this. I like mathematics. I like knowing what a bunch of meaningless (to the general public) symbols represent. It makes me feel good, like I'm better than everyone else, like I'm in the "know".

As far as understanding the whole thing, I like to keep it in perspective. If a celibate dude living in 17 century England can just "invent" calculus, then I feel fairly certain that a dude with two kids and a substance abuse problem can figure out what is going on, whilst under the influences of a hangover and kids screaming in his ear.

Word.

Week 2

Attention other people who populate the campus! Stop sucking so hard. As many of you have noticed, you are all douches of the highest order. I have seen you around, being terrible, and stupid, and ignorant. You are shit heads and you need to get over yourselves.

Let me break down some shit for all of you on campus, especially the ones who happen to be in my classes:

1. No one cares what you think. Even if the professor asks, no one really cares about your opinion. Keep these stupid, stupid things to yourself. If and only if you must speak because the classroom situation requires you to open your mouth; pause, think back and remember (if you did the assigned reading) what the text said; pause some more, think about what you derived from the text (again, only if you bothered to open your ridiculously expensive book); pause once again, formulate a coherent thought and then state your understanding of the matter that was covered in the text.

*Note: If a no answer was given to any if situation above, shut the goddamn fuck up.

2. When you are out, keep in mind that 10 minutes before class starts, you are not the only one going somewhere, and that some of us, have places to be and don't like being late. I know, lots of you are out there, fucking around, talking to some bitches, getting in my way. Please, remember that your pathetic existence is not going to get any better by going to college, so please, stay home and stay the fuck out of my way.

3. Males aged 18 to 22: you suck. Look, I know. I was one very recently and I know that I sucked. You too, also suck. I hate you and wish you the absolute worst. And no, your stupid attire, or sunglasses, or hats, or skateboards, or your loud talking about some guy who, "smoked like, two ounces", or your stupid ass dread locks, or what ever it is that you cling to for an identity don't make you cool.

4. Also, males in general: get your fat fucking asses to the goddamn gym. Do a fucking push-up, ride a bike, don't get the super-caloric, milk shake type drink from Starbucks every class break, try not to eat fast food all the goddamn time, something. Stop being so goddamn weak and maybe all the hot, young women around campus might actually want to fuck you. I don't know, it's a start anyway. Also, try a shower, or shaving, or some shit. When a skinny motherfucker like me with my long-ass hair is the most fit, clean-cut guy in the room there is a problem with the rest of the men there.

5. Women: stop wearing pajama pants to school. You are not cool. Probably no one even likes you. You are not a free-spirit or what the fuck ever. You suck. Go put on some real fucking pants.

6. All of you motherfuckers need to wear shoes and socks, at all times.

7. Just stop being douches so much, okay.

Week 1

This past week was the first week of the fall semester around here. Let me sum up the big shit for you.

1. Kiernan already has a pink-eye type ailment.

2. Gavin likes school. He goes with me to the daycare/preschool on campus. He thinks it's pretty great.

3. Felicia got sick, naturally.

4. The dog is alive and gimping around the new apartment.

5. Oh yeah, didn't I tell you that we moved to Anchorage to be extremely poor? We did.

6. Calculus is already really fucking hard, packed with nerds, and jammed into a tiny room.

7. Did I mention that I can't stand nerds? This statement may seem ridiculous coming from someone as nerdy as myself, but if you saw the kinds of nerds I was talking about then you would understand the urge to kick their asses that I feel when I am surrounded by these losers. God, they suck, their computers suck, their fucking online games suck, their terrible hygiene/style/facial hair/unkemptedness sucks. In short, I fucking hate them. Especially when they spout off some stupid shit about voting against pro-social measures because those measures might, "hurt industry".

8. We went to the state fair and got drunk and walked around, then got more drunk, watched the Gin Blossoms play, then got unbelievably drunk. Basically what I learned was: Fair+Booze>Fair-Booze. Rearranging that equation you get: Fair+2Booze>Fair, which I think was proved on Sunday night.

9. I usually don't link to other blogs but my brother wrote a really good piece over at First Draft. Just go check it out.

10. Yeah, it's all over the news but it bears repeating. The AK governor was chosen for McCain's VP. I don't repeat this as a point of pride. I am actually really pissed because it basically destroys Obama's chances at winning the state because all the fucking "Independents" (read: Conservatives) who live in AK are going to vote for the "local girl". Hell, she must be good, right? I mean we're from roughly the same geographic location!

I am mostly bitter because she cut legistator approved, state funds for an in state, recycling facility that would have brought job opportunities to her home fucking city during a time that the state was/is receiving record income from oil revenues. So, if in the future you hear some shit about her being pro-business or creating jobs, you can call the bullshit police on that one. Also, her husband is a member of the United Steelworkers Union which is total bullshit because organized labor and collective bargaining are two concepts that aren't really traditional laissez-faire, free-market capitalism, GOP principles.

11. Fuck all this.