New Year's Delusions

Happy New Year!

Here's to lying to yourself for another 365 days! Don't worry about me though, I'm just bitter because you're happy. Ha Ha!

Seriously, though can't we just put President Obama in charge already so I can stop seeing news shows about "What is President-elect Obama's response to Israel, Blagojevich, the economy, etc." Since when did rampant speculation become worthy of being put on the news 24 hours a day? Don't answer that.

Also, don't channel surf after midnight while sober. It turns you into a gremlin or some shit.

Yeah, whatever.

Also, in Other News

People magazine reports another hilariously terrible event from Alaska.

Pure, unfiltered class.

The Reason for the Season is Pleasin'!!!

You think this shit is all fun and games and then you have one of these.

A white Christmas and all that.

The haul

Well hung, heh.

O, Tannenbaum.

I can has presents?

Sometimes, they're not all bad.

Sometimes, we aren't either.

Happy Holidays. I hope no one is fiending during the glorious season and that all their shit is straight.

I am so ready for the semester to start again. This sitting around all the time is totally killing me. Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and we all know how the Lord hates that. Dude, how many straight up quotes are going into this?

Peace, my shnizzies.

News Flash!

Dick Cheney is still a soul-less asshole.

That's pretty much it.

No Real Title

The fool hath said in his heart.

Something about honoring something or another.

About the meek inheriting something.

My mother and father taught me a lot of things. I love them, even though they are dead. The above is a few of the bible verses that always stuck with me when they yelled at me.

You may think that you are through with the past but the past is not through with us.

EVOO

The limit of my caring as my age approaches infinity is zero.

No one cares about Caylee. No one cares about the bailout. No one cares about the genocide. No one cares about anything. Nothing matters. People are born and die and suffer and all of this doesn't matter. I certainly don't.

It's terrible. I am a terrible person.

I don't care.

This is what is wrong with us as a species.

Yule-i-tude

Iced out, not in a G-way.

Kiernan, the child who never smiles.

Gavin, showing fools how unwrapping is done.

We had Christmas five days early because otherwise, the shit wouldn't get done. The kids got loads of shit and I bought Felicia a camera that she didn't like and I got a new PS2 controller. I'm getting old, son. Anyway, see you later, it's lunchtime.

I Get BORED!!!

Hells yes.

So yeah, I have to say that this shit is pretty funny. I don't really care about drug offenses, I just don't care. I do think it is funny that the future mother in law of my governor's knocked up teen is going to the clink for a while. Yes, quite funny.

Also, there is this. I will confess that I don't know shit about this case because I haven't been following it, but I will say that I applaud this guy for pleading guilty instead of being like the other fuck heads I posted about who used defenses like, "I'm a drunk." or "I'm a fucking loser." Thinking about it again, fuck those guys. I hope they are enjoying prison, the fucking dicks.

That's about it. Oh yeah, this is my 100th post. Yay, me!

Suck it dry!

Bullshit

Thanks a lot, you fucking assholes.

I'm sure that I, like many of you, thought that the economic crisis was not really real until it directly impacted your life. I really couldn't care less what the DJIA does, or about the unemployment rate, or any of those economic markers that say that our financial system is fucked up. I just don't care. I have other shit to think about and chores to do and that kind of day to day shit.

But now, now these motherfuckers have fucked with something that I think is important so, being a blogger, I hurried to the internet to voice my disapproval of concepts and situations I barely understand. The ADN has this story that says the glass recycling program here in Anchorage is suspended starting in January due to the economy sucking ass and the high cost of recycling glass coupled with lower demand for recyclables. How does this impact my life you ask?

Let's have a little backstory first: I tend to drink a lot of beer, wine, and liquor, all of which come in glass bottles. I also am your typical bleeding-heart conservationist who actually cares about all the shit that we dump into the biosphere and all those animals, myself and children included, who then have to live in a totally fucked up, birth defect producing environment. Also, being human, I do the relatively easy thing and recycle. You might still be asking, why does the bother me?

Look, it goes like this: I like beer in the bottle. If the recycling place won't take glass, I have huge guilt at throwing away all that glass. Something has got to give so instead of buying beer in glass I have to choose the alternative: cans. I have to go back to drinking beer in the can. Do you know what kind of beer selection they have for cans? Not much, and certainly not the quality of beer that I have become accustomed to drinking.

So there you have it. Thanks AIG, Fannie and Freddie Mac, Bear Stearns, and the big Three, you have forced me to drink beer out of cans. You bunch of motherfuckers, you. Also, this gives me a chance to post one of my favorite Pundit Kitchen pictures of all time, posted below.

See you in beer can hell, Mr. Greenspan.

10,000 Shitty Diapers

NGC 7331, pretty bad-ass.

Go check out the 10 Best Astronomy Pictures of 2008. It rules pretty hard. There is an especially awesome video of the moon transiting the Earth that will blow your fucking mind. Maybe I should have embedded that. Nah, fuck it.

Anyway, I've been meaning to do a post a day since the semester is over but we've been up to our elbows in shit around here. Seriously, Tiny has some kind of goddamn virus that makes him shit the most foul smelling diarrhea at least 10 times a day. I'm not exaggerating the figure or the up to the elbows part, either.

Yesterday, Felicia was bathing both children with toys and everything when Tiny shit all in the water. I was pretty lucky in that she was the one who stuck her hands into that shit to dig out the toys and the children but I still had to get all the toys and throw them away and clean out the sink where she put them. It was pretty fucking gross. Especially considering that our bathroom doesn't have a vent fan and all four of us were crammed into an impossibly small space breathing in the stink of shit while we cleaned up everything and everyone.

People who use that saying "throw out the baby with the bathwater" have obviously never been confronted by a tub containing two children and bath toys, filled with tepid water and human shit, because that's exactly your first impulse, to just flush it all the fuck away. So don't use that idiom unless you have experienced it first hand, because you just sound like an asshole if you haven't.

More Like Sunday

This guy learned a few things about not giving a fuck.

So yeah, the semester is over. I hate my wife and want her to go away, but only because she is saying things that I don't want to hear.

Dude, I am so drunk right now. There is a movie on and it pisses me off.

We had game night and it was pretty cool.

I was thinking about the Chbosky novel I reviewed below and I decided that I was too nice to that motherfucker. This fucking guy, he writes in the style of a wannabe angst filled teen who is so pissed at his suburban family and their petty bourgeois concerns, but one who loves his family and views them as the base for his actions.

Attention Mr. Chbosky: Shut the fuck up with your stupid ass preaching. You understand nothing and convey even less with your writings. You have no real idea of the hatred that adolescent boys feel and the fact that you write shit for MTV makes you a fucking loser.

I hate "coming of age novels". They all suck. No one but teens care about teens. The rest of us feel shame about that terrible time in our lives and don't care to relive it with horribly rendered prose about masturbation and high school.

The people who say that high school was the best time of their life are the most vacant pieces of shit you could ever hope to meet.

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

Book Review

The Woman in the Dunes, Kobo Abe

The Sea, John Banville

The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky

A while back I wrote about how I wanted to read a new book by an author unknown to me classified alphabetically by last name, i.e., start with the A's go to the Z's. Well, I have gotten through the first three letters of the alphabet and I decided it was time for a progress report.

To start, I read The Woman in the Dunes. It ruled. I kind of had the feeling that I lost a lot in the translation from Japanese to English, but it ruled anyway. I identified more with the actual woman in the dunes than with the dude who found her but I'll leave it up to you to read it. Just google the shit and buy it already.

Then, I read The Sea. It ruled more than The Woman in the Dunes by several levels of magnitude. John Banville rules. He has a way with the language that makes you want to be him. I have the feeling that he is the reason that some people want to become writers, just so you can own as much as he does. I will say that the ending does not satisfy, but he writes such a dense landscape that you can forgive him. He almost makes you feel like you are there, the way a great writer does, especially if you have spent any time at the shore, contemplating the infinitude of the waves.

Last up is Chbosky's work, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I made it through about 30 pages of this dogshit. First up, he writes the book in a "compendium of letters to some other person" format. I forgave him that shit. Then, the protagonist, a 15 year old boy, spends all his time crying and being emo and shit, even though he kicks some bully's ass. I looked the other way on that one too. Then, the straw: he writes to his "friend" that although he is 15 he has just discovered what masturbation is and decides to describe it to his "pen pal".

Fucking Total Shit. I could deal with the crying and the letter format, but this is completely fucking stupid. There is no male (I'm totally generalizing from my own experience here) who does not know what the fuck masturbation is all about by the time that he is 15 fucking years old. Bull-Motherfucking-Shit. Stephen Chbosky is a motherfucking idiot who writes "coming of age" novels for teen girls. Avoid this fucking idiot like the plague because he has no idea how to convey the absolute terror that being an adolescent male entails. He is a fucking shill. Fuck him, the fucking loser.

So, in sum, read some books and shit, make your own opinions because mine certainly suck.

Principia What?

Leibniz and Newton.

Go ahead, invent some other way to analyze the natural world, I'll own that shit too. What? You're dead? Damn, I'll just have to own someone else's shit then. Where the hell is Riemann? Just kidding, that shit is way out of my depth.

It's more than a little unfair to claim that I am on par with Newton and Leibniz, but I did complete the Calculus series with straight A's, so I feel that I need to brag a little bit. I won't lie, it was fucking brutal. It's really not fair to ask students to compress and understand 300 plus years of mathematical discovery over the course of 45 weeks, or three semesters. The depth of knowledge is so vast that even though I seem to have excelled in my studies, I actually don't fully grasp the implications of what I have learned. You just have to take on faith the things that you learn and then look in wonder at what has been found and realize the gulf that remains and how that you will probably not ever contribute in any meaningful way, but that maybe, you can begin to realize what the fuck is going on.

I went to a party tonight. It was a far cry from the ideal of a party that I have experienced: Dionysian excesses coupled with the rage of a trapped animal. It does not make for a pretty morning after to be sure. It was fun, but adult fun, not horrible grasping, terrible, adolescent fun. It was measured, not the kind of hedonistic endeavor that you hope leads to some tawdry hookup with a friend. I can't believe that people actually miss those days.

Anyway, there is no message, only the absurdity of living.

The Changeling

Hey, I changed some shit around here. I finally linked to a few of the blogs I read daily. I removed a few things and added a few things.

Suck It!

Like A Dead Man

Making it look easy.

Not so much.

Summer fun!

Giving Thanks.

Moi plus le vin font le sourire.

Sometimes, it makes you want to have some of your own.

No sweet potato casserole or pie this Thanksgiving. Total Failure.

I re-read The Stranger this weekend. It is still as good and relevant as it was when I first read it 10 years ago, so that made me pretty depressed/happy. In fact, the novel had such an effect on me (like it always does) that today as I was out, I felt a more fundamental connection with Meursault than I did with any of the other automatons out doing the rounds.I was in a cafe and drinking my coffee and watching the snow and trying to figure out things and failing miserably.

Sometimes, I like to listen to Tori Amos, but I don't know what the fuck she is talking about.

Felicia and I went to "Game-Night" last night at her friend's, Hailee's, house. It was fun but we are old. Boardgames and cocktails while our kids ran around and raised hell until midnight. Pure Sub-urban Americana. To spice it up a little, there was an earthquake. Good times.

You don't know anything, much less your rationalizing self, so stop trying.

Sometimes, I think that it matters, but who knows. Maybe that's why the cosmos aren't swimming with (overt signs of) intelligent life. Maybe we're all consumed by our own pathetic navel-gazing to be bothered with anything else. Shit, I know that's the case with regards to myself.

Totally Fucking Contrived

Total Ownage.

This past week that Felicia has been gone has been a fun experiment. It's the kind of alone-ness that you need to let you know what the fuck is going on and who you are.

Turns out, I am not anyone. I was kind of fucked up the other day about how I really have no roots, I know shit about my family, I have no real connections to anything from the past and I have an indeterminate future. I was a little disheartened about the whole shit until today I was thinking about it and decided that it didn't matter who I was or even who I am. I am an actor, plain and simple. I am whatever my current situation dictates, student, father, husband, whatever. It doesn't matter. I don't have any free will anyway so why masquerade as if I do and then have all the dissonance when I think about the "choices" I've "made". Fuck it dude, let's go bowling.

There's a kind of liberation in the nothing-ness, and not just the kind induced by substances. I don't have to worry. I don't have to care. I don't have to pretend. Outside of what is legal and what isn't, I don't have to restrain my life. There is no objective metric with which to measure me. (I realize laws may seem objective but seeing as how they are created by us it kind of nullifies any credence to that.) I am whatever I feel like parading around as that day. What a joke.

I don't care. I'll never see any of these people again so the best course of action is the one that I feel has the most merit at that time.

Random section here:

Gin is good.
Have they always made 19 year old chicks so hot? I don't remember that shit.
I reheated some pizza tonight. GODDAMN GOOD.
I've been reading a lot. Hopefully, I'll post on that soon.
Whatever.

To Make You All Believe

The caption for this could be: "I totally hate everyone."

Hey, there are a lot of things that I don't understand and never will. This makes me pretty fucking depressed. I mean, how can I be a totally fully formed human being and do not understand the fundamental nature of the universe in which I live? Oh, right, I can get totally washed every chance I get.

Felicia is leaving on some kind of goddamn work thing for a fucking week. FUCK. SHIT. GODDAMN. I can't even say that if she dies in some freak plane accident that I'll kill myself, because you know, I have those goddamn kids. Not to mention all the work I am going to have to do in her absence.

Life is terrible and random. I just don't want you to forget that no matter what, I totally fucking hate you assholes.

Shut Up You Don't Know Me

Rho, Phi, and Theta. Word.

I really have nothing else. School is going well. I mean, aside from all the misanthropic hatred for all the motherfucking losers who are all over the place.

Let me break down the stupid that I have heard/seen around campus lately and how I have thought/felt regarding these things:

"Sarah Palin is just like us." Said as I'm working on my Math 202 homework. Yeah, because Sarah Palin knows how to evaluate a single integral, much less multiple integrals in spherical coordinates.

Fucking retards playing hackysack in the student union. Goddammit. Are you fucking dicktards in high school or some shit? I mean, I did this shit when I was 15, in a public school, in Mississippi, and you motherfuckers think that you are going to get a degree in something by spending all your free time smoking weed, playing hack, and getting in my fucking way? To quote H. Rollins, "Get off the drugs and get back to the real world." Fucking Ass Fucks.

(This is a paraphrase from some guy who is a self-labeled genius): The U.S. is moving towards a Nazist, Marxist society, and sustainability is the way that this is happening. Me: My God, it's full of stars and completely uninformed, ignorant, shitfucks who ARE ACTUALLY ALLOWED TO VOTE. Also, the genius guy said that McCain wanted to abolish the Supreme Court and that Obama wanted to be a dictator. I present the last two items without comment.

I think I have more but I can't remember them. What I wanted to say was that, hey, it's almost Thanksgiving, and that I really love this holiday because it's like the only one that hasn't been co-opted by greeting card companies and merchandising fuckholes. I love Thanksgiving because I love reminding people that they should be happy for what is not wrong with their life, as opposed to what would could be better. Fucking Puritans and shit.

Also,

What an election win is supposed to look like.

That Gasoline Smell

Fucking A.

Shoot, Shoot, Shoot, Motherfucker!

I've been thinking a lot about my parents lately. They both died this time of year and even now, five and six years on, it gets me thinking about them.

I'd love to say that they were great, un-imaginable heroes, who always did the proper thing, and always knew the right course, and were two people who were totally infallible.

They were not.

I loved them, still love them, with a crazed vehemence. Love, however, has nothing to do with the fact that they were human, that they did fuck up, that they (especially my mother) were horrifically wrong about loads of things that they'd never understand, and that their worldview was one of the simple, trivial people who trust in god.

I've always kind of thought that god was a joke. If he existed at all, he either wasn't minding the laboratory, or he's a totally sadistic motherfucker. In either case, I'll choose to believe in a universe that doesn't care one way or the other as to whether I survive and not pin my hopes to a god who is diagnosable as ADHD or Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Look, I hate my life. I will probably kill myself. I just want my goddamn kids to be critical thinkers, and, at the very most, be a little bit happy with their lives.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Say goodbye to your fucking Senate seat, you are going to Federal Pound Me In The Ass Prison. This is totally fucking great. Now, get your fucking asses over and donate to Mark Begich.

Tell Your Friends Peace

Check out this comic from Toothpaste for Dinner.

So, I went out last night. It was terrible. Smoking in bars is still allowed in the stupid Mat-Su Valley, home of a bunch of stupid motherfucking rednecks. Yesterday, I saw a mud-coated truck that had the words "No bama" and "Vote McCain or die" spray painted on the tailgate and door. Of course, the truck was piloted by some mouth-breathing, fuck-tard, white kid who definitely had no idea about how government even works, much less an informed opinion about theories of governance. What a fucking douche. And to think we live in a society that actually permits this idiot a voice in how business is conducted. Un-fucking-believable.

Anyway, I went out and was promptly reminded of why I like drinking alone, in my house, the fuck away from a bunch of leathered-up Harley riders, bitches singing karaoke, and motherfuckers dressing like they just got off the cattle drive. Felicia and I were talking about how there is a vast, untapped research potential for observing human mating behavior that exists in bars all across the country. I mean, I could perpetually produce articles detailing how stupidly people behave if I could just have some audio/video feed from local bars.

Yeah, I did the whole bar, drink, talk with strangers (about sports of all things), went somewhere else, met up with some peeps, hugged a bunch of people, and yes, danced. I fucking danced, for fuck's sake. Here I am parading around like I'm some kind of adult, but stick me in the right situation and I'll be goddammed if I don't end up doing some stupid shit like dancing. Fuck, I was wasted.

One More Time Around

I don't think I'll have any pictures today. No, I fucking lied.


I made some fried chicken yesterday. I'm not talking about the shit you get at KFC or some other fucking place. I'm talking about in the kitchen, fucking up a chicken carcass, breading the motherfucker and then pan frying the bitch. I'm talking about work. And cayenne pepper, loads of that shit. This is one of the most southern of dishes you could possibly hope to eat. Healthy? Fuck no. Lots of work? Damn straight. Delicious? Hell fuck yes.

And that's what the fuck I am talking about. As a kid I had fried chicken, as described above, probably once a week. And not just the chicken either. We had mashed potatoes, or rice, and gravy, bread of some sort, iced tea/lemonade, and some kind of vegetable. And let's not forget the dessert.

What I'm saying is that my parents worked their asses off to give me some good shit that I didn't appreciate at the time. In fact, I complained to the high heavens about having to eat chicken "again". I was a fuckhole, a total ingrate motherfucker. I was everything that was wrong with the human species and I had no problem with it.

I regret that shit, like a motherfucker. Yeah, my parents weren't perfect, they did stupid things, just like everyone else, but sometimes I wish that they were still around so that I could tell them that they were right about a lot of shit and that I'm sorry for being such a dick all the time.

I Wonder How Much Pain It Would Take

Yeah, I cut my hair.

I can has table scraps?

Ahh, the bipolarity of children.

So, yeah, that's me. I cut my hair. I found myself enraged whilst trying to buckle car seats this week so I said, "Fuck it. We'll do it Live!" Now, I'm back to an almost regulation haircut. Crazy. Hell, I think it looks good, it emphasizes the fact that I've become painfully skinny. Seriously, I've lost 10 or so pounds since we moved, and that's factoring in the food poisoning losses. I've got to tell you, I feel crazy, amped up, almost unhinged, on the precipice of some unrealizable drop, completely enraged, morbidly detached. Without sounding too much like some poetry spouting loser, the other day I was staring into something so vacant it made me question my existence.

I've also been eerily quiet on the political news front. I blame Felicia. She gets to hear all my good shit and then I think that if I repost here, it gets too redundant. This, however, warrants some attention. I know that everyone and their brother has been lampooning Sarah Palin, I don't like her, I think she is incompetent, and that she is coached to say what the Party deems okay, but this is some shit that I can't fathom. She says some shit about how "Joe the Plumber" is afraid that Obama will take his money and redistribute it to people who haven't worked as hard as he has. To this I reply, "Goddamn straight."

Listen up, motherfuckers. I am one of those poor motherfuckers you hate. I am a living, breathing example of why you should support welfare. I get WIC, and childcare assistance. I go to college because I served in the military and paid my shit to have the GI Bill. I have paid taxes and while I currently don't because of school, I will have a degree soon and then be forced to get a job and pay taxes again. Without all the help we get now, I would be fucked.

So, yeah, Joe the fucking Plumber, I would not only take your earrings, but I would put you and your whole fucking family on the fucking rack and torture the shit out of you all if that's what it took for my kids to fucking eat. I would fuck your shit up. All you rich people too, you motherfuckers mean nothing to me. I'd fuck your shit up too. So be glad that we live in a society where all we do is take your money so undeserving, non-hardworking motherfuckers like me and my kids get the crumbs from the adult table so that we can live and maybe, just maybe, we can make something better for our kids than what our parents had. And don't get me wrong, I know I am one of the lucky ones.

Fuck Joe the Plumber and fuck Joe Sixpack while we're at it, the motherfucking alcoholic.