Today Didn't Rule So Much

This was Gavin last night when he had to get in bed. This shit is a common occurrence at bedtime so I decided to take a picture of this to horrify all the non-child having couples out there that child-rearing is just as hellish as you were led to believe, and that you will be horribly inefficient at being a parent just like you think you will be. My advice: pour another drink and yell some more, eventually somebody passes the fuck out and forgets all this ever happened.



This is what Felicia had waiting for her when she got in the door tonight. Chicken salad, on toasted French bread with medium cheddar cheese, avocado, salt, pepper, and the rest of the sweet potato from last night. Notice the drink. That's my own Jamba Juice creation of raspberry sorbet, orange juice, strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, and blueberries. This shit was fucking delicious. I rule.



For dessert, we had fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. I don't want to hear ever again about anyone disliking being domestic and cleaning and cooking for their spouse, I don't give a fuck if you are a man or a woman. This shit rules. I would take what I had to do today, especially in light of the fact that I do it with two children under the age of three, over any bullshit that I would face at a job. Fuck a job, fuck those motherfuckers. At least all the hassle that I get in preparing this comes from people that I don't want to beat to death with a hammer after it's done. At least, I don't as long as they don't sass me.

Today Fucking Ruled

First off, I woke up too early but went back to sleep cradling Tiny and then woke up, ate some cereal, and went to the park. Pictures of that shit would have been boring so I didn't take any. Here's what happened the rest of the day.

We flew a kite. About 10 minutes in, this happened, of course, you know they should tell you the twine isn't attached to anything and that only an idiot would unwind the string all the way to the end.


We drew on the driveway. As you can see, Gavin loves mom and drew some flowers and also put down an indefinite integral and a derivative. What of it?

Speaking of flowers, these are some tulips I bought the other day. Flowers rule. In addition to being pretty and sometimes smelling good, they are always a helpful reminder of what women's genitalia look like.


Top all of that off with a super great meal that I made, complete with some Riesling for the chef, and the only thing that would make this day any better is my participation in one of the unlikely porn scenarios that I talked about earlier. But that shit isn't going to happen so, fuck it, I'm not greedy.

Back the fuck off my corn, bitch.

Stupid Shit

No, you are reading that correctly. I like these little keyhole views of the sea of stupidity that is the Mat-Su Valley. This one instance was so retarded I had to turn around to get a picture of it because if I just told you that some fucking idiot owned a barber shop and painted a sign with huge foot tall letters to hang outside his shop but instead of painting "barber", the fuckhead painted "baber" and then put the fucker up. I mean, come on, you'd think I was fucking with you. Alas, I am not. Better yet, I'm not even sure as to why it's still up. It's been there a week and either no one has told the guy, or someone has told the guy and he hasn't fixed it yet. Get with it, this sign is the only way I know about this place and the owners really think I'm going to go in and let these barely literate assholes wield sharp objects near my face and neck? Not a fucking chance, and especially not for $12.

This next entry is great as well. This truck has been parked where I have to see it every time I drive from Wasilla out to where I live. Since I was already taking pictures of stupid things I decided to swing by and get a picture. Now, stupidly large trucks are not foreign to me, but I really thought that it was the kind of thing that you would really only find in the south. In fact, the reason I first noticed this truck is because of the striking resemblance to one third of the vehicle of an inbred, two-foot tall, talking squid-man who lives in the north Georgia mountains. Check this shit out.

Where I Stay: Spring

So, I started this shit earlier and then realized that I had no pictures of spring on my camera. I remedied that shit, post haste. Check it out.








You probably can't see it but all these trees have buds on them. It's fucking beautiful.



This is the Springtime view from the top of the steps. Yeah, everything still looks brown from up here but you know that all the grasses are putting out new shoots.



Pioneer Peak. I like this mountain. It makes me feel insignificant, but in a good way.

In the spring a young man's fancy turns to love. At least, that's what I've heard, and judging by experience I'll say that's true, if by "fancy" you mean porn and "love" you mean addiction. I'll never forget the time I was caught with porno in my parents' house by my old man. The words he said are still with me today, "It ends up you just need more, and more, and more." By that, I took it to mean that you would need more and more freaky shit to blow your load, and with that in mind I have always tried to curb my porn viewing. That's not to say I haven't dallied on the edge of bukkake, fat chicks, throat pokers, etc. but now I know that straight up, guy/girl, consensual (to include highly unlikely fantasies, i.e. boss with employee and teacher/student) pornography is the way to go. To be honest, I can't get into all that other shit. Case in point, the gangbang. I once had a discussion with a friend about this genre and we came to the conclusion that, "Can you imagine how it smelled in there?" Enough said.

Word up. Pornography isn't the problem, uninvolved parenting is. Word is bond.

Catch Me on Your Brochures

Oh, I write about things, pretend I'm a critic. So, here goes:


This is the funniest shit I think I have ever read. If you don't know about this guy go to his website, The Best Page in the Universe, linked here and also featured on the right. I was laughing so hard while I read this today that it totally upset Felicia's watching of Pride and Prejudice. Seriously, I was like a hyena who had just smoked a shit-load of weed and was giggling my ass off.



I have no idea who this author is or what this book is about. I was sitting in Borders books, drinking an impossibly large coffee while Tiny slept and looking at the magazines when I decided that if I just read one extra book per month by someone who I had never read before starting with the A's, then I would end up reading a shitload of books. So, I picked this up because it seemed reasonably slim and not part of a series. We'll see if this is worth my while.



This guy fucking rocks. Aside from my addiction to alcohol, this author is one of the few good things I discovered while I was in the Marine Corps. I picked up one of his books while on duty one night in California and was immediately hooked. His first series of books that I read had everything: sex, 'splosions, spaceships, and a really weird take on what happens to your soul when you die and how loads of dead people can end up reincarnating living bodies and having some bad ass powers. Needless to say, it totally fucking rocked. Aside from Mr. Hamilton's last novel, which kind of ended abruptly especially after the tension he built up over the preceding 2000 pages, he has never disappointed. I am hoping he returns to form in this work, and even if he doesn't, I'll probably still buy all his future shit.


Alastair Reynolds and I have some shit to work out. I hate him, and yet, I feel compelled to buy his shit in the hopes that he will not continue disappointing me. I know, in some universe I am a card carrying masochist who begs to have hot wax dripped all over my genitals, and that would explain why I like doing this to myself. I can't put this guy down because his stuff doesn't suck, so much as the story he tells has characters that I loathe. Who the fuck cares about doing the "right" thing with respect to your fellow man when the entire goddamn species is facing extinction from a hyper-evolved genocide machine bent on eradicating human intelligence? You can't even get motherfuckers to not litter and you expect me to believe that a few hundred years in the future man will have evolved to where all the characters in his novel never do the self serving, base, egoist shit that is the hallmark of our species? Fucking dogshit, I say. Like I said, the guy is an excellent writer but he uses his talent to portray characters that I just want to fucking pile-drive.

These motherfuckers never disappoint. This is exactly the kind of brain fast food that I crave every so often. I started reading this about edition 8 or 9 and, except for edition 11, I am pretty faithful. Always good shit.


This is a painting by the surrealist, Rene Magritte. The title of this work is "The Psychologist" and I have to say, being an aspiring psychologist myself, Magritte's representation here is pretty accurate, in that I am constantly nude and holding flowers.

Hey Remember This?

Of fucking course you don't. I haven't done this shit in ages. School keeps me busy, but the semester is almost over so fuck it. I think I bombed my goddamn calculus test today. Fuck it. Let's see what we have here. Oh yeah, pictures where's the goddamn camera?

Two moose outside the in-laws house.

Kitty.

Try to study now, motherfucker!

Okay, what else has been going on. Kiernan started crawling. My Grandpa Joe turned 91. School is going okay. Oh yeah, the big shit is that I finally got shut of the old man's house in Mississippi. Fuck the money, I mean it's nice and all to buy some frivolous stuff, but I was glad to get that albacore from around my neck. Well fuck those images that are taking too long to load. Felicia had to go cut Gavin's hair.

We went to this wine tasting the other day. It was kind of depressing because the only other people there who were our age was a waitress. It's kind of funny, in a ha-ha I'll go hang myself now because I realize I'm still below the Mason-Dixon, that every time we have a family get together and Felicia and I are drinking a nice bottle of red and Felicia's brother says, "That's okay. Maybe put some Sprite in it." and he's only kind of joking. Either that or if someone offers him a glass he says, "I don't have a vagina." or something like that. He's kind of the archetypal man around these parts.

Hey, you know what I like? Squidbillies, motherfucker. Watch this.

New Shit

All of these guys kick ass.

Depending on my mood and workload for class, I usually find ways to waste time. I've been fucking around on Pandora lately and listening to some new (to me anyway) shit. So, I found all these guys: Pelican, Isis, and Red Sparowes.

Like I said before they all rule. I can't really explain why they do and Felicia, I'm pretty sure, hates all of them but she has no taste in music.

Let me fill you guys in on what is happening around here otherwise.

For some fucking reason, we got a cat. I was against it. I was totally against it, but sure enough, I ended up shelling out 50 bucks for the goddamn thing and thinking it was a pretty good deal because she was already de-clawed, spayed, microchipped, and up to date on immunizations. All for 50 dollars! What a steal right? Anyway, Gavin loves the thing and it is pretty cute.

Speaking of children, the other one is already trying to get up and crawl around, with limited success. It won't be long before he is all over the fucking place and getting in the litter box and shit.

I would have bought all these CDs I listed above, but I had to re-buy my Mastodon CDs because some fuck-face robbed our car. They stole a visor book full of CDs and a 12 pack of beer. What total assholes. I mean they didn't even steal the percocet we had in the door. Fucking amateurs.

I am also hosed because I got a fucking B on my goddamn calculus test because I basically threw away 10 points. I am so fucking enraged by that. It's total fucking dogshit. Everyone knows that the indefinite integral of 1/(x+4) equals the natural log of the absolute value of (x+4) plus some constant. Why in the fuck do I have to show work on that to get points? Oh yeah, the show work part was in the instructions. Damn.

Valentine's Day

Not St. Valentine, but still pretty cool.

So, this painting here is of St. Sebastian. I used to know why it was he was tied up and shot full of arrows but I have forgotten. The point is that whenever I think of Valentine's Day and Cupid and all that shit this is the image that comes to mind. Maybe it's the loincloth and the arrows but this is what I think of when I hear "valentine".

I remember when I was kid and for Valentine's day we were allowed to make valentines for the other kids, I think I was maybe in first grade. Well, I got this box of valentines cards, the shitty ones. I don't know if they still make them like that because it seems like VD (haha not that VD) has gotten out of hand. Anyway, they were shitty little cards that were in envelopes and I remember that I was adamant about writing on the goddamn envelope and I didn't want my parents to help me. Of course, I wrote "form" instead of "from" on every fucking envelope and was really upset about it. I mean like crying and shit and asking the old man to go get some more so all the kids wouldn't know I fucked all these cards up.

I hate this holiday but I don't want to be one of these motherfuckers who beats up on VD. It's just too goddamn easy. It's like shaking babies.

My Wiz and My Babies

Felicia and Gavin

Felicia and Kiernan

Check this out, Felicia has set herself up a blog. The blog is a gratitude journal for a Positive Psychology class she is taking this semester and she basically puts down all the things for which she is thankful. I bumped it up to the top of my people I find interesting section so if anyone ever reads this shit be sure to go check her out from time to time. It's pretty sickeningly up beat so it looks like I'll have to ratchet up the hate in order to nullify all the good feelings.

So let's start right away, shall we? The first week of the semester is over already. I think it won't be too bad. The only class I am leery of is the Political Science I am taking. Poli Sci is an interesting subject and the professor seems cool but this is Alaska and all (I'm generalizing here) these motherfuckers are screaming red-staters. They don't want to tax the shit out of oil companies, are opposed to universal health care, and I keep seeing signs for that whack job Ron Paul all over the goddamn place. Needless to say they are all assholes and unafraid to spout off on their asinine opinions at the drop of a hat. Did I say that my father in law actually thinks that Ron Reagan was a great president? I think that says it all.

Yeah, shit's going okay. Did I also mention that campus is swamped with hot bitches? I mean it's like they heat the buildings solely with hot, hot co-eds. It's okay as long as they don't say anything. Anyway, that's all I have.

Where I Stay: Wintertime

Two pictures of some trees with snow on their branches.

The loft/garage is looking very Christmas Village-y.

This is the winter view from the top of the steps.

Okay, I don't like winter up here. It sucks. For the first few weeks of snow all these motherfuckers forget how to drive and are a serious fucking hazard and drive up my car insurance rates. They are the same douches who drive 15 mph under the speed limit if it is raining out but if it is snowing are cruising by at 5 mph over the limit. The cost to heat a home, which I thankfully do not have to pay, is astronomical because their is no refinery in the state so all the goddamn oil and gas that is extracted up here has to be shipped elsewhere to be refined and then shipped back up here to be used for heating which jacks up the rates. (I'm not sure if that last statement is true but I feel that it is so if it's not, go fuck yourself.) It is seriously fucking cold. Assholes who go snowmachining, need I say more?

All that shit and more aside, winter up here is one of the most beautiful seasons I have ever experienced. The other night a fog moved in and then the temperature dropped so that the fog froze onto any surface outside. When we got up in the morning ice crystals were attached to everything. It was like the entire outside world had crystallized and it looked seriously bad-ass. It didn't last that long as the wind picked up and blew everything onto the ground but while it lasted it was one of the coolest things I have ever seen, made even cooler by the fact that I knew it would only be there for a short period of time. In a kind of existential way it reminded me of the ephemeral nature of my own life. Sure, it was kind of depressing but it made getting drunk that night all the better just because of the finite opportunities afforded to me to get drunk.

So without getting too sappy I'll leave you with this snippet of wisdom I gleaned from a desk in my high school English class. One day I noticed that the wood desk in front me had etched into the wood this order that has stuck with me ever since, "Live long and make babies". Word out.

Back for the First Time

No, it's not Luda and this isn't my Christmas Tree

So, I finally got my end of semester grades and I told myself that I would post when that happened. I've just kind of been boozing in a post semester haze of loneliness and boredom before the requisite family time that Christmas is going to bring. Let's see what's been new around here that you missed.

I sent out my portion of the annual Christmas letter. I wrote it this year so I'm sure it was the best fucking Christmas letter ever. Felicia was hesitant to let me write it and even ended up censoring the letter a little bit, the fucking fascist. The part she left out was where I tell everyone that she was the one who decided it was time to move out of her parent's house. She objected to me identifying her as the decision maker on that one but that shit is the truth. So now the Christmas letter reads like it was partially my idea to move, which is total bullshit. It was all her. In fact, if she had her way we would have moved back to MS, and that is direct from her. So, take that censorship! The truth fucks your grandmother's ass!

We have been the proper American consumers this holiday season. For two people with no income we certainly know how to rack up the credit card debt. I bought Felicia the best Christmas present ever, and I say that just to chap her ass because we have four more days until we open them. Ha Ha!

I don't remember too much from my childhood, really, and it doesn't bother me too much. However, I was listening to Pandora the other day and 2 Live Crew's song Me So Horny from their album As Nasty As They Wanna Be came on and I had this memory float to the surface. I remember one summer when I had to have been eight or nine and Jude had this album and was listening to it before our parents got home from work. My memory is just of the intro to the song where the Vietnamese prostitute is saying, "Me so horny, me love you long time" but I undoubtedly heard the entire track as a child. So with this memory in mind I was listening to the lyrics more critically than usual and it got me thinking about how maybe the most insignificant shit in your life can influence you in ways unknown in the future. For instance, hearing this track at age eight/nine and growing up to be some crazy, misogynistic, porn fiend with a penchant for V.C. hookers. I mean, not like I'm that or anything, I'm just saying...ahem.

Damn, these bitches are hot.

Well, soup is good.

Ashamed

So , I was trolling around tonight and I finally got around to Googling my professors. The long and the short of it is that I didn't know that you could express yourself without cursing. Who knew? I kind of felt ashamed that I so often have to resort to cursing to emphasize the point I am trying to make. But, I only felt like that for a minute because I am not some bitch ass motherfucker. Word.

Alaska Verdicts 2

A little fish is still a catch, motherfucker.

I laughed out loud when I heard the news today about former Wasilla representative Vic Kohring. The Anchorage Daily News has the full story here.

I won't go into the all details as you can read them for yourself but I just wanted to point out that throughout the trial Mr. Kohring's lawyer never said that his client was innocent, just that he was a little fish in all the corruption goings-on. It's not like he took a lot of money so why the hell would anyone convict him? He only broke the law a little bit. He just took small bribes. He's just a degenerate, fucking scum-sucker who was too stupid to ask for more money, so take it easy on him. Shit, with arguments like that maybe I should get into the law business.

The best part is that after the whole corruption scandal broke and it was found that Mr. Kohring was part of it all, albeit a little fish, I saw the motherfucker at the 4th of July parade in Wasilla and he was walking behind a trailer that had a sign on it that said, "Vic Kohring: Hardworking Conservative" and the asshole was passing out Crunch bars and shaking hands. Too bad, Vic, I guess I can't be swayed by shitty chocolate to look the other way while you shit on the public trust. Fuck him, I didn't vote for the son of a bitch anyway. Fucking cocksucker.

Another List

Just a few of the things happening around here lately:

1. I hate group projects in college. These projects are always a cluster-fuck and someone always does a half-assed job. Fuck them.

2. I was trolling My Space today and I was getting really annoyed by the amount of profiles I saw that had a Bible verse for the headline. In fact, all the headlines, mine included, are fucking worthless.

3. Also, on My Space, I saw the profile for a woman who was a self-described teacher. Her page was littered with typos and misspellings. I know it's My Space but if you are going to call yourself a teacher and then not make the correct choice between to and too, go fuck yourself.

4. I really hate it when people sanctimoniously say, "I never lie. I always tell the truth." then say some shit like, "If I can't say something nice, I don't say anything at all." Guess what? That thing you just said about keeping your mouth shut? That's a fucking lie, bitch. You were thinking something and deliberately did not voice what you thought for fear it might "hurt someone's feelings" even though you knew it was the truth? It's called a sin of omission, twat.

5. I like school. I loathe the students.

6. (Babies < 1 year) = Assholes. Evolution is a cruel schoolmarm who wields a gigantic yard-stick. She demands that you care for this wailing abomination of a child, even though you could easily leave it outside for the bears. She drives home her point again and again with the piercing screams that sodomize the ears and cannot be silenced.

7. Baby Cakes is still awesome. Check out his new shit:

It's Sunday Afternoon and I'm Going Up

I have two quick things to bang out here.

1. I love beer. In fact, in the list of things I love beer comes third after a tie between my kids and boobs.

2. I taught Gavin how to go to the refrigerator and fetch me an ice cold libation last weekend. He doesn't know it yet but just for that he's getting a new car for his 18th birthday.

I was going to put some hilarious ending zinger but fuck that.

Alaska Verdicts 1

If you are one of those people who was never curious enough to peep your own anus in the mirror, this is what you missed.

Former Representative Pete Kott is going to the clink. The Anchorage Daily News has the full story here. The jury found Mr. Kott guilty on three charges: bribery, extortion and conspiracy. I guess they didn't really care for his defense of, "Man, I was fucking wasted all the time. I had no fucking clue who was giving me what." I thought that, if nothing else, that argument took balls. I mean, he never said he was innocent just that he was a lush. I will admit that the motherfucker has a pair on him.

Sentencing is set for Dec. 7 and I'll be sure to keep updating on these sons of bitches. Next up: Vic Kohring and his trial date of Oct. 22.

Why, Lord?

Why in the fuck were there no pictures posted with the last post? Why, goddammit, why?

Yeah he's dead but man, was this motherfucker an asshole or what?

Just so you know, fags, God hates you. At least that's according to the assholes who made this sign.

Look it's what chicken nuggets are made of! Yum, like a motherfucker!

Take an ounce of this and don't call me in the morning. I'm serious, don't fucking call me, asshole.

Hey Hey Hey

You know what would be fun? You let me get in that pool.

It is with a heavy heart that I admit that there might not be such a usual stream of rancor in the near future. The reason: I have a fucking English class for which I must keep a journal. Yes. You read that correctly and even I am amazed that I have been transported back in time to high school. However, I am required to write five pages a week for said class and most of my creative rage will be directed at that for the following 11 weeks. If all goes well I may post an edited version at the end of the semester.

On a quick note, the political scandal in Alaska is getting better and I will post the results of the trials here as they become available. The current trial is one of Pete Kott, a state representative who is a bribe taking asshole. Mr. Kott's defense has never said that Mr. Kott didn't take bribes but has said that Mr. Kott is a clueless, drunk ass. No shit. The defense examined Mr. Kott's former Chief of Staff on Friday, a lady who testified that Mr. Kott was often drunk and talked like a hillbilly with lots of stumbling and cursing. I wish I could make this up.

Go buy Mastodon's Blood Mountain. It kicks ass. Metal ass.

The Horror, The Horror

No, it's not an overweight insane Marlon Brando or the reflections of an ivory procurer for the company, it happens to be my reaction to this story in USA Today.

I would usually write more or express my outrage, but I am busy. Well, I should be busy but I am obviously taking a break from my busy schedule which includes:

a) sitting in Starbucks on campus and not exploding at the guy today who said, "and that's Schroedinger's cat," with a smugness you could taste in the back of your throat, or maybe that's the bile.

b) being assaulted by co-eds who wish me to bring over "the baby" and answer trite questions about him.

c) feeling very self-conscious about sitting around doing homework problems from a weighty Calculus book for fear that some dumb-ass may come up and say, "You're good at math, huh?"

Cue the Queen Music

Fuckin' Homo.

This kind of shit makes my weekend. Yet another hypocritical, right-wing motherfucker down. I really do love seeing this. It's payback for the time when assholes like ex-Senator Craig and his cronies tried to impeach a motherfucker for getting his knob slobbed. Unlike our gay friend above at least President Clinton had the decency to:
a) get head from a chick, albeit a fat one.
b) do it in the privacy of his office, not the ultra sexy locale of a sexy airport bathroom.

Look, I have no problem with him giving or receiving gay sex. Also, if a motherfucker needs the danger of a public location to bust a nut, I am not about to judge him. The bitch of it is this shit-head, while enjoying the pleasures of having a man get him off, advocated no rights for other gay dudes who just want to live in harmony with each other. Fuck him. I am glad that he's getting everything that is coming to him, which by my guess is a huge throbbing cock, thrusting in and out of his gaping ass. Ha.